Pour Être Vrai
by Treasurer
Summary: “I’m sorry that I have no will to quit you.” “I’m sorry that I ever thought I did.” Their love for each other did not come out of betrayal or abandonment, but out of selfishness and misery. Not your average Jasper/Bella pairing.
1. Nights of Lies

** A/N: Welcome to the world of Pour Etre Vrai, for those folks that do not know French, that would be "To Be True." This isn't your average Jasper/Bella pairing. I'm not going to make anyone a bad guy. So, this isn't a "Edward and Alice get caught having an affair and Jasper and Bella get together" or an "Edward is too controlling and Alice is a snob" story, either. This is a story about how low people will go when they've been broken. I tried to keep this story pretty in character and is set about four years after the end of Breaking Dawn. The story evolves around being desperate, distraught, guilty, and searching for things blindly. This isn't going to be a "lemony" filled story, although the story is based around an affair. I don't believe that saying "insert slot a into slot b" is necessary to get the emotions behind their love life. I truly hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing this. And if you feel so inclined, a review would be lovely.**

**Also, I put a lot of effort into a playlist to go along with the story, it doesn't really matter what songs you play with what chapter, but the music definitely sets the mood for this story. The playlist is the last chapter, if you'd like to listen to the music on project playlist or youtube, you should.  
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**Rated T for mild language and mentioning of adult situations.**

If I could have gotten drunk instead, I would have. If I could have gone outside and taken a drag of a cigarette, I would have. Hell, even sleep would have been something. But, with my perfect body, I couldn't even do that. No escape was given to my perfect life. I could only wallow in it. It'd been five years since I was changed, five years since anything had changed. Twenty-three years old, and if I looked in the mirror everyday, I would always see the same face. My husband looked at me with the same eyes he had the day we met, and my beautiful daughter was always happy. And from the outside, it looked like I was happy, too. I had everything I wanted. I wanted to become this, I wanted eternity with Edward, I was happy when I found out I was pregnant. I had a best friend that would do anything for me. A mother and father in law that loved me just as much as if I were their own. A beautiful house, a beautiful car; everything was perfect.

Why was I breaking down on the inside then? Because everything was far too perfect. I wanted some humanity back. I wanted to wake up (ha, too bad there was nothing ever to wake up from) to my hair being a disarray and out of place. How could you make love for hours and look the exact the same way you had when you started? I wanted Edward to fight with me about something. I wanted Renesmee to have temper tantrums. Anything normal, anything average. This, this was almost crazy how right everything was going. Maybe I'm masochistic, but at least it would be real, to feel some pain. Because at that point, I felt nothing. I wanted to feel the clumsiness and recklessness I was accustomed to, I wanted to forget about everything for 8 hours a night. When I got embarrassed or angry, I wanted my cheeks to flush scarlet, my eyes to water up with tears. All of these were ways to vent back then, back when I was human. Now, I never got a chance to collect myself, I always had to put that smiling face on, for everyone, all of the time. I had no escape and I was screaming on the inside, and then I found him.

I remember when I had loved this life, it took me a few years to realize what I had done. I was as happy as I made myself look. The never ending love from Edward back then was a god send, I was still so insecure. I knew better now, I was beautiful. Just as beautiful as Alice. Better looking than Rosalie, even. I hated myself for it. Why had my curves filled out just a slight bit more, enough to give me the body I never needed nor wanted, but the body that men craved? There was a time when I bathed in the happiness of the world around me. The Volturi had left, leaving me with my happily ever after. I hated that I was a fairy tale. I felt guilty, angry, upset, horrified, and lonely all at once and this is why Edward's love was more like a curse. He never saw the pain, he only saw my smiles. He only felt my kisses, never the resentment. It was like the world was putting a sick joke on me. Poor little rich girl, that is all I was. Everything was perfect and yet I still found something to complain about. I tried my hardest to give him the passion he exerted into me, and to be honest, for such a terrible actress, I seemed to doing a very good job. If he knew that every touch he gave me, I felt more heartache than pleasure. That every touch I gave him made my mind warped with disgust in myself, he'd die inside. I loved him enough to never want that. I loved him enough to want him to think I was happy. I loved him enough to want to see his smile. It was the only thing I didn't mind not changing, his beautiful crooked grin would always be mine.

In the beginning, when all was still well, Jasper was always by my side. Soaking in all of my radiating happiness. I was so happy back then, I was empowered, joyous, delighted in every way. I grew quite fond of his presence and basked in his happiness too. We had become a duo of friendship and understanding. Always there for the other. I guess I had forgotten he was an empath when I was going through all of my self loathing and guilt, because I was completely surprised when he wasn't sitting next to me on the couch anymore, when he wasn't trying to save me from the shopping trips Alice was planning, or attacking Emmett when he was making yet another sex joke. In fact, it seemed like he was going out of his way just to avoid me.

I asked Edward what was wrong with Jasper, and he gave me a slightly exasperated look, "He's been translating every history book he's read into every language he's learned for the last three weeks." Realization hit me then, Jasper was trying to hide the emotions I was feeling for Edward's sake. He was trying to keep my façade up too, so everyone could be happy. He, better than anyone ever could, understood my pain. I had to thank him somehow, but for then, I decided stretching my shield to him would be enough. Edward smiled when he realized he couldn't hear him anymore and we walked into the cottage for another night of lies.

The night it started, everyone had gone hunting except for Jasper, myself, my beautiful Nessie, and Jacob. This was the only chance I would ever get to thank Jasper for keeping my feelings to himself, my only chance to tell him how sorry I was that he had to feel everything I was feeling, too. Sorry that he had to hurt as I did. I asked Jacob if he would stay in my cottage while I went on some late errands, to make sure that if Nessie woke up she wouldn't be alone. Of course, he was more than willing to do this, he would never question what errands could be run at one in the morning. I made my way up to the Cullen Mansion and Jasper was sitting on the steps of the porch reading some history book about, none other than, the civil war. He gave me a slight smile as I made my way up to sit next to him before returning to his book. I sighed, I didn't need the air, but it still felt refreshing to have the gust of wind fill up my dead lungs, to prepare for what I was about to say.

"Why are you nervous?" Of course, he could feel the anxiety fill me up, but of course, he wouldn't know why.

"I'm really sorry, Jasper, for everything."

He smiled again, but this time he put his book down to look me in the eyes.

"I just want to know why you're upset, even guilty all of the time. It's killing me having to hide it from Edward."

"Don't worry about hiding it, I've been shielding you for a week or so."

"Oh" That was all he muttered. I realized he was waiting for my explanation, how could I tell him though? How could I tell him that I hated everything that my life had become, that I missed the uncertainty humanity gave me, that I missed wondering if Edward would always love me? He would rightfully think I was insane. I truly was losing my grip on the strings I had left of my sanity.

"Don't be embarrassed, Bella, I promise I'll try my best to understand." I remembered the first time I looked at him with vampire eyes, accessing every scar that covered his body. At least he wasn't perfect, at least he had some imperfection that gave him an ounce of humanity, some real aspects to his beauty, some flaws. I was just beautiful, the only scars I had when I was human that came with me in this life were two crescents on my wrist, he had hundreds of them covering his entire body. Maybe he would understand was the last thought I processed before speaking.

"I don't want to be perfect anymore, Jasper. I want to feel pain. I want to fight, cry, blush. I want to be able to wind down." He looked at me with eyes that begged me to continue, so I did. "I've always been average, I've always been clumsy and reckless and insecure. When I gave up on being human, I never thought I'd be giving up that for him as well. I characterized myself with those qualities, and now I don't have them. I'm not myself anymore. I love being a mother, I love being his wife and yet, it's not enough anymore. I want to have some misery other than the kind I give myself. Pathetic, right? How does anyone not know?"

"Bella, I only knew because it's my gift. You seem so exuberant all the time."

"I never meant for this to happen. I'm running out of energy to keep this charade up. This is the first time I've even said out loud how I feel, and I just want to shout it at everyone. But, I'm forced to pretend to keep everyone else happy."

"I understand," he whispered and took my face into his hands, "More than you'll ever know."

If my heart was still beating, it would have been soaring out of my chest, if blood still pumped through my veins, my cheeks would have been brushed with red. And then I realized something, he could feel my blush, he could feel my heart going erratic, because he could feel them in my emotions. He flooded me with his right back. It was understanding, it was sadness, it was joy, it was lust. I looked at him with knowing eyes and grabbed his hand and led him into Edward's old room, no longer occupied since we moved into the cottage. It was the only room in the house with a bed.

I remember visibly shaking as his lips kissed mine, my jaw line, my throat…all the way to my collar bone and him lingering there wondering what he should do with my shirt. It didn't take me long to rip it off myself. It didn't take him long to swiftly take his off either. I placed my fingers on his marble chest, admiring every scar he had, tracing them with my fingers before kissing them. He rolled his head back halfway in pleasure, halfway in disgust, as I did this, thinking out loud, "How could you be feeling admiration towards this?" He was pointing towards the part of him that attracted me the most.

"Because they're beautiful," I murmured into his skin before unbuttoning his jeans. He let out a moan that was more of a growl before he pushed me onto the bed and took mine off in one fluid movement. Edward would have never done this. Edward wouldn't have ever pushed me, and he definitely wouldn't have ever rolled me on my stomach and grabbed my hair as he forcefully entered my body. He would only treat me as porcelain, he would always be gentle, as if he were holding onto the finest jewels known to man. I looked into the mirror that was in front of me, and I watched him carefully. His face was a mirror of my own: broken and in pain, sewn together with giving up and an absolute need for the other's body. In that moment, no one would have ever known that we weren't human, that we were something much, much less. I hadn't felt this real in so long, how could I ever let this go? He sensed my longing and whipped me around to face him, "I haven't felt like this in a long time either." After that he crushed his lips onto mine and we were back in our entwined embrace and with each thrust I couldn't help but to gasp, to moan, to whisper his name. To make love to someone and actually enjoy it? I had forgotten what it was like. And with him, it was still so different. I wasn't his beautiful wife, I wasn't his reason for existence, his life did not balance on me, I was just Bella. He saw me as what I wanted to be: a miserable, clumsy, human girl. I was proving myself to be clumsy by falling into bed with him, making this mistake by loving his body.

Was I crazy? Yes. But, I did not want to stop. Alice would never know about this, because neither of us had planned it. But how were we to keep this up? Edward was easy, all I had to do was keep blocking Jasper's thoughts. He wouldn't think anything of it, just that I was trying to keep his miseries away from Edward, some privacy. But Alice? Having Jacob around would always take her edge away, but she was so attuned to Jasper and I, that alone would never be enough. I would just have to continue to be clumsy, continue to be reckless, throwing myself at Jasper only when the chance was right, never thinking of it, only doing it.

The sun was just making it's way up when we had finally stopped. Five hours in one night, you would think it would be enough, but it wasn't. I had a feeling I would never have enough time with him. I was laying on his chest, still absentmindedly tracing his scars when he first spoke, "She ignores them, she looks right over them. She pretends they don't exist. Sometimes she turns around as I'm getting undressed." I didn't need him being an empath to feel the pain and sadness wash over him as he said those words. I couldn't imagine not being accepted by my other half. Edward would have accepted me with any flaws that I had, problem was I just didn't have them…until now. And I was pretty sure he wouldn't have accepted this. Along with the fact that I wanted to continue this. I loved him so much, and I felt a bit guilty for this. At least I had insecurity back, maybe Edward wouldn't love me anymore. But, I hadn't had something to look forward to in so long. And to be honest, I couldn't even look forward to it, Alice might have a vision about it.

I wondered if he felt the same way too, I knew he loved Alice, with all his unbeating heart. It would be silly to think otherwise. But would he have the same need that I did now? Did he have the same void that needed to be filled, or was this just something he did at the mercy of my sadness. Was his empathy becoming the worst of him? Had he felt my pain so much, that he misinterpreted it to be his own? I was alone again in my agony. He didn't feel it like I did, it wasn't his own pain that he showed me last night, just now. It was mine.

"You're wrong," he whispered into my hair, "so, so wrong." I remembered the last time he had told me this. It was about my having little self worth. "I've always felt trapped under the doors of love and family. I've only known pain and war. I always dreamed of normalcy. I have it…I hate it." We were such selfish creatures. Fucking each other just to escape the glory that was our perfect lives. I was selfish enough to lay with my husband's brother , he was selfish enough to lay with his wife's best friend. We were the scum of the earth, and I'd never felt better about myself.

We made up several rules about this affair: never ever mention his or her name, never think about it, only do it. Never let the thought of each other slip up. Go on pretending to be happy as a clam. And if we could manage this, our lives would be every bit as fucked as we needed it to be. We could be real again, we could thrive. I grabbed my clothes and got dressed, I didn't even look behind me to say good bye as I stepped out of the house and walked to my cottage. Edward wasn't home yet, I could only smell Jacob. I could hear him as well. Snoring on the floor of Renesmee's room, he looked so peaceful. He would never feel trapped by the undying love she already was showing to him, she would always want more of his attention. She may have only been five years old, but she had the body of a fifteen or sixteen year old, and a mind much wiser. She would stop aging in a year or so. My daughter would soon stop changing too. Stuck with the perfection her father and I gave her forever. She would love it though, and I was so jealous.

I changed out of my clothes and immediately put them through the washer. I would not smell like him, I wouldn't have memories flick back to that night, I wouldn't have hopes or daydreams about having another night. I hopped in the shower and was admiring the steam as it poured onto my body with it's pathetic attempt at fury. I knew the temperature would have scolded any human, probably send them to the hospital. I sadly hoped maybe it would do the same for me. But, of course, my body would never fail me in that way. It would only feel warmth and comfort. I don't know how I didn't hear him until he was only seconds away. Maybe I was too involved with my masochistic thoughts to even notice. I liked it, one more way of being like a human, not hearing everything in a half mile radius. I heard his pants drop to the floor and he hopped in the shower with me. I put on my infamous smile, but this time it wasn't as forced. How could _he _make me happier to be with my husband? I pulled out a little twig that had found his way into his hair, he must have had a chase with what ever he hunted last night.

"Catch anything good, baby?"

He gave me that beautiful crooked grin and nodded. "Mountain Lion." His favorite.

I looked down from his face onto the rest of his beautiful body. He was so perfect, immediately I missed the scarred torso that was Jasper's. I looked back up at his face and pressed my lips onto his. He playfully kissed back but, it didn't have nearly the same passion, the urgency, the absolute need another set of lips gave to me only a mere hour or two before. I played my role though, I made sure he was happy. And making him happy was easier when I knew that I could be happy again sometime soon too.

Jacob didn't mention my absence for the evening, didn't even think of it, and for this I was glad. Jake really was one of my best friends. He would never betray me, the only reason I hadn't told him all of the wackness that was going on in my head, was to protect him from worrying about me. Now with Renesmee, everything about Jake and I was easy. I loved him like a brother, a son. Without asking, he knew that I probably wouldn't want Edward to know what I was up to last night. He knew that I didn't want him to know either. He may have been a werewolf, but his heart was still beating, he still could break. He was another piece of humanity that I kept close to me. One that I could luckily keep for the rest of my existence.

Once Nessie woke up we walked to the main house for breakfast…well breakfast for Jacob and Nessie at least. I didn't realize how hard it would be to see Jasper with his arm around small, small Alice's shoulders, but he seemed to feel the same way, he sent me feelings of jealousy and sadness. I realized I was holding Edward's hand. Alice broke free of his grip and ran to me with all of her energetic spunk to give me a big hug and beg me to go shopping with her soon. I smiled and in mock horror cried that I would rather die. She knew this meant yes, I would go. In the corner of my eye, I could of sworn I saw Jasper hold onto his stomach as if he was going to hurl. He was a horrible actor, worse than I. I made sure that my feelings of resentment and disappointment only showed to Jasper, he quickly covered his mishap with punching Emmett in the chest. Their war stopped any stares that might have seen his reaction to Alice and I. He had to know that I wasn't some heartless monster. That when I looked into Alice's eyes, I wanted to cry. I would have, but I had no tears to shed. The only emotional release my body allowed me was him.

Shopping with Alice the next day was worse than smiling for Edward. She was just as caring and loving. If she only knew how I betrayed her.. She bought me lingerie; skimpy, scary lingerie. Forced me to try it on in front of her and told me which was the sexiest- made me promise I would wear it. It took me all of my strength not to think about who I would love to wear it for. She froze for a second and then looked at me. My heart dropped, had I thought too much? Would she see what I was planning? A smile came upon her lips, and in relief, my mouth mirrored hers.

"He's going to love it, I promise!" She winked at me before ushering me into the small cluttered changing room to try on more items. "You're going to walk in front of him and model this for him, then you will ask him if he likes it. I can't see him though, actually, you're staring at yourself in the mirror above him. And he must just nod too, because I don't hear him say anything. But you will triumphantly smile and walk towards him."

"ALICE!" I hissed. She smiled. "Don't you think it's a little weird that you're picturing me having sex with my husband?!"

She just giggled, "Don't worry, I didn't see anything after that. I'm not some sick pervert, Bella, I'm not going to be imagining that scenario over and over. I just wanted to prove I was right."

While changing into another ensemble she wanted me try on, I wondered where Edward and I would have sex that had a mirror above him. I couldn't think of anything that seemed familiar. I brushed it off and went on with the mirage of happiness for the day. Knowing what I was doing to Alice, made me love her even more. Appreciate all of her qualities. She was so sweet, and kind hearted. Jasper was so lucky to have her, even if she tried her hardest to never look at his scars. She still loved him, she probably didn't want him to feel bashful about them. She just wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. That was normal. Most people wanted perfection. No, Jasper and I were just the ones that craved for something different.

Arriving home, seemed almost a relief. I'd already been hurting Edward for so long, it seemed easier to face him with my lies than my best friend. The night was almost perfection, Renesmee and I talked about everything she had thought through that day. Her growing crush on Jacob, how she was scared that he might not feel the same way. It was silly hearing her worry about the feelings I knew always existed. The feelings I missed. I comforted her in the fact that she was his imprint and that he would always love her. But she still felt that maybe the love wouldn't be the way she had wanted. Before she fell asleep, I asked her not to worry and that she would know I was right shortly enough. Edward silently laughed as I entered our room, obviously hearing our entire conversation. I smiled and cried out, "Why does love have to be so hard?!" The truth of the words hit me, even if I had meant them playfully. The mock sadness turned into real distress. But I kept the over dramatic face and even flung my hands into the air as if I were wailing. He laughed harder and even held onto his stomach to contain his laughter. I could only slightly chuckle. He was laughing at me and he didn't even know it.

"I remember feeling that same way though, I can't blame her. I remember feeling like once I told you something about myself, it would be too much and you'd leave. That you could never love me. I remember you feeling like you weren't enough for me, that there was something completely wrong with me loving you. How self loathing and insecure we were. And now," He opened his arms out as to point out our entire situation, "look at us. Our life is perfect and I've never felt happier." Guilt, Horror, Self Hatred. To put it mildly, that it was I felt instantly. I pressed my lips onto his and ripped off his shirt. I needed anything to relieve this guilt, I was using his body as an escape since I couldn't have the one I really wanted-no the one I needed. He took this as a celebration to the words he had just said, and went along straight with it. There was nothing out of place with these actions to him. I expected to feel better, but it just made it worse. I tried to imagine the man I was on top of was Jasper by not looking at his body, his hair. I only looked in his eyes, they were the only thing the two had in common. And I immediately was washed over with grief. How could I want someone else inside me other than my husband? I sickened myself even more and forced myself to continue what I was doing. I deserved the misery I was having. I had begged for it. If it means a few hours of despair a night, then I would deal with it. It was still better than the horror that was my life only a few days before.


	2. Visions Really Do Come True

**A/N: Still with me? Sweet. Alright, so here I also introduce Jasper's POV which will be used sparingly throughout the rest of the story. This goes more into their feelings of despair and lonliness throughout their affair. When I first wrote this, I teared up a bit, not going to lie. But, hey, if you don't, understandable. You get to see just how affairs can effect people. It's not all happiness and fun. Enjoy, and as always, reviews are awesome. Especially ones that tell me WHY you like it.**

A whole month went by since Jasper and I had been alone. A whole month of pretending and lies without an escape. I slowly was becoming more and more miserable with each passing hour. But to the outside world, everything would seem the same. Jasper and Alice looked like they were the happiest couple, under Edward and I, of course. Renesmee and Jake were starting to express their feelings towards each other, which set up some new rules. If Jacob spent the night at the cottage, Jacob only slept on the couch. The last thing I needed was my crazy hormone ruled five year old being tempted by my best friend. But their happiness made it easier for me to pretend being happy, because I will admit, I truly was happy for them. Their perfect life was starting, the life that they wanted and would never regret. After all, who would hate their life when given everything they dreamed for? Oh, yeah, right.

Alice had had a vision about one of the Denali sisters getting into some trouble with a few human men, that they were starting to notice that these girls never aged. So Edward accompanied her to Denali to help them relocate and what not. They would be gone for several days, maybe even weeks. I didn't think of what that meant for me though. I would never have a slip up, ever. I was going through my closet, cursing Alice as I was trying to find something to wear to bed, normally I spent my night time naked, it's not like Nessie really cared to look, or I really left my bedroom. But, of course Jake wanted to spend the night, so I was forced to wear some amount of clothing. That is when I found it. That scary barely there lingerie. It was black and lacey. The bra pushed my boobs up basically to my neck, it had sheer lace tightly flowing down to my hips. The panties were boy shorts with bows synching them up higher, so my butt fell out. I put it on and accessed myself in the mirror. For once, I didn't hate my perfect body. I was admiring it. I looked great, I didn't want to take it off. So I just put a pair of sweats and a baggy t shirt over it. Only I would know how good I looked underneath my comfy outfit. Jacob had fallen asleep by 10 pm, I figured it was okay to leave him in the house. I was bored out of my mind, and if didn't have someone to fake being happy to, if I was forced to sit alone, I knew I might just lose it. I got into my car and just drove out of town at 200 miles an hour with my lights off. To anyone else, this would have been the most reckless thing to do. For me and the rest of us Cullens, it was average, normal. Nothing dangerous with it.

I started slowing down when I reached Port Angeles and completely stopped when I smelled Jasper. It was in front of some 4 star hotel. I wondered why he would stay at a hotel when he had a house to stay in. I hoped that I knew the answer, but I didn't think of it at all. I gave a few hundreds to the valet and followed Jasper's scent to the top floor, the penthouse, of course. He had heard me coming and opened the door just before I was about to knock. He gave me a grin and spoke, "I wasn't expecting you here."

"Why are you staying here?"

"I needed some peace and quiet from Emmett and Rosalie. She had a vision of me wanting to kill myself if I stayed there tonight." I laughed along with him as I walked into the hotel room. It looked more like a luxury apartment. Why on earth was something so grand in Washington? Mirrors covered the walls throughout most of it, stopping at around 3 feet from the floor. I didn't think, I just did. I pushed him onto the floor against the wall and pressed my lips onto his with a growl, letting all of my frustration out on him. All the self hatred I had felt in the last four weeks dissipated into his mouth. He ripped off my shirt and seemed mesmerized by my secret under these clothes. If I could have blushed, I would have. But, he sensed it just as if I had. I hopped up from his embrace and took off my sweats. I pointed to my body as if I was selling something on the Price Is Right admiring my reflection in the mirror above him, and asked, "Do you like what you see?" He just nodded, as if words had failed him and I smiled knowing that. I didn't let it bother me that Alice had actually seen this in a vision, at least she didn't see Jasper, she only saw me. That was good enough.

He gently took off the secrets with his mouth, leaving me to scream in whispers at the power he had over my body. The way he could use his hands, his mouth, his body in mine was almost agonizing it was so wonderful. The very knowing that I didn't even have to say anything to let him know he was doing everything so right made it that much better. He could feel it in me, he could feel my all consuming pleasure. I held him so tightly that if I were holding onto a human, I would have crushed his bones turning him into a bag of warm fluid. The way Jasper was gripping my thighs would have torn them off in a human girl. But to an onlooker, it only looked like fiery passion, it only looked normal and human and right. And it was so right, but it was also so, so wrong. It seemed like fate had put this together. I started out the night only trying to drive around and burn some gas, he started it out only trying to take solace away from our brother and sisters love life. Yet, we found each other here, and we took good advantage of what the world had given us.

At some point, far too early, we stopped. He rolled onto his stomach and rested his face on his hands next to me as I was unnecessarily panting and on my back. I turned my head to look at him and he brushed his lips on my jaw softly biting and kissing. "I've missed this," he murmured.

"You have no idea." That was my response. The only thing I could say that was true. I knew then that I loved him. I wasn't just using him for my advantage, no. I was also falling in love with the man that knew me better than anyone on the planet. I loved Jasper Hale, I loved Jasper Whitlock.

"I love you too, Bella Swan." I gave him a soft smile before quickly kissing him and getting dressed. I definitely noticed that he didn't say Cullen. As I walked out of the door, I turned around and gave him a sad smile before shutting it closed and walked to my car. I took a deep breath, getting ready for the method act that was my life. It was still dark out, it was only 3 am. I decided I couldn't wash this lingerie, I couldn't keep it, it might give me ideas, ideas Alice cant see. I took it off and stopped half way driving home and watched it burn. My phone started to ring, it was Alice. If it were possible, I would have thrown up. I answered it and was immediately cursed by her tiny voice. "Why the hell are you burning that lingerie! Now my vision will never come true!" If she only knew that it had.

"Alice, I'll never wear it, you knew it."

"No! You were going to, I swear it!"

"Well, I'm not anymore, am I?" I was laughing at how ridiculous this was. She thought I was mocking her, she was worried that my sex life wasn't being fulfilled…How wrong she was.

She scoffed and told me that the Denali clan weren't looking like they wanted to leave and she had no idea how long it would take to convince them. "Take care of Jasper for me, please. You know how bored he gets when I'm away." I wanted to cry right then. No worry, Alice, I've been fucking your man. There is no way he's bored with you away. He's far from it! Sick, sick, sick woman I was.

"I'll do my best, Alice."

"Thank you." I closed the phone and put it in my pocket. I drove in broken tearless sobs. When I came home, Jacob was awake and saw the horrible state I was in.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I couldn't answer, I just fell onto the floor in front of him and gripped his feet hyperventilating. Why was I doing this, why didn't I want to stop? He sat on the floor next to me and kissed my forehead and was trying to sooth me with sweet words. I didn't want his sweetness though, I wanted my misery. It was real and true and everything I needed. Pain this real was something some never got. Not even humans. The hole in my heart that was there when Edward left me was ripped back open with new meaning. This time, it was for my love of Jasper. It was for the pain I felt loving him and hurting everyone else I loved in the process of doing.

"I'm sorry, Jake, I'm truly sorry. Can we just pretend this never happened?" I had collected myself enough to face him and quit my heaving.

"No problem, Bells." I gave him my best attempt at a smile, and I guess it worked because he smiled back at me before giving me a tight bear hug. "Come on let's sit on my bed." I laughed at his makeshift bed on my couch. No doubt his feet probably hung off of it in a most uncomfortable manner. He sat down and I rested my head on his lap and wished so much that I could fall asleep in his comfort. "Mind telling me what this episode was about?"

"I think it'd be better that I didn't. I don't want Edward to worry about me, you know? I've just been a bit sad lately." This was as close to the truth as I could let him know.

"Is it because we're going to have to move soon?" I wanted to laugh in hysterics. Carlisle and the rest of the family decided it was best to leave Forks, people would soon start noticing us, too. They were actually going to leave soon, in search for a town just as dreary and rainy as this one. This was probably the least of my worries, I would miss Charlie, and I was sad about that. But compared to my internal struggle, it was nothing. But I nodded at his answer. Edward wouldn't freak out if he thought I was upset about moving. He would comfort me and tell me that I could still see Charlie a little while longer, and he would think all was well again.

"Why are you up so late, anyways, Jake?"

His heart started beating faster and I felt sweat pool on his palms. He was nervous? "Jacob?"

"What?" I turned to look at him and his face had a thousand small beads of sweat dewing on his pores. "Nessie woke up and we talked and I couldn't go to bed after she fell asleep because I was wondering where you were." I raised an eyebrow at him, why would he be nervous if Renesmee and him only "talked"? And why would he spew it out so fast that it all blurred together into one word? "Bella, I'm sorry, don't be mad! She just told me she loved me and things got a bit out of hand. Not too much out of hand though, don't worry!"

"What do you mean 'not too out of hand'"? If I wasn't so upset with myself, I would have killed Jacob right then and there.

"Just some making out…." and he continued so low, a human wouldn't have heard it, he probably didn't even hear it, "and heavy petting.."

"UGH!" I sat up and slapped him but he just smiled. He knew I wouldn't be too mad at him anyways. "Good luck trying to keep that memory away from Edward! He's the one you have to worry about being mad. Don't do anything with her you'll regret, though. Because if I find out you do anything other than what you just said you were doing. I will kill you, no, I will do something much worse…I will castrate you." He gasped in mock horror and I pushed him off the couch with a thud and he laughed. I rolled my eyes. Why couldn't I feel the way he did anymore? Jake soon fell asleep leaving me alone to think through the night's events. Moments with him were my rest, my slumber. It was how I got the energy to live through the passing days. This would have been so easy to stop if he had shown any interest in cutting our love short. He needed me like I needed him. We were each other's oxygen, we were each other's dreams. Without those two, anyone would most certainly fall, most certainly die.

Walking into the Cullen Mansion in the morning to see Jasper sitting alone on the couch was relieving. It meant I wouldn't have to see him show his love to her. It meant he wouldn't see me showing my love for him. He gave me a knowing smile and patted the seat next to him. No one would expect a thing out of us sitting together. It was something we always did, when we were only friends. When our love for each other was such a different kind. He asked me how my night went and I gave the biggest grin I could have. "It could have been better." Jacob gave me a sad look, Jasper put on a face of mock hurt.

"I'm sorry your evening wasn't as good as mine." But he knew it was just as good if not better as I made sure he could feel my love, my lust, my pleasure, and my need for him. We hung out all day with the family, and it looked, to an outsider, perfect. Jasper and I played chess for the most part of the day, teasing Emmett about how their room didn't even have a scratch on it. It looked like Edward and I were beating them these days. Guilt washed through me, Jasper showed me hurt. After that, we quit the sex jokes and continued on with the game. Charlie stopped by along with his wife Sue around dinner time, Esme had made a very delicious meal, I presume. Charlie and Jacob seemed to have eaten everything she cooked, leaving only scraps for Renesmee and Sue. Charlie was always mesmerized my Nessie's growth, he had his own ideas as to why she was growing so fast, wrong of course. But, they were going towards the right direction. He knew enough, he blamed it on how Jacob grew so fast, obviously they were very similar in his eyes. Edward always wanted him to know that our daughter was in no way a mutt, but eh, let him be wrong I always said, let him stay alive and unknowing. The Volturi would never hurt him. I loved Charlie and I was very glad to see him, it had been at least six weeks since I had seen him last. Living with Charlie was so much easier, he would always eventually fall asleep, and he would always leave me alone if I looked upset.

After that I went to the cottage to buy myself some time alone. Jacob and Nessie were playing some video game with Emmett and Jasper, I could collect myself. I laughed at myself as I put on another pair of lingerie under my sweats and lay under the covers. I was going to pretend to sleep. I rolled over onto my stomach and snuggled the comforter to my neck and closed my eyes. It felt so wonderful just to lay down and relax. I could feel my body slipping into a more comfortable state. If only my thoughts would have stopped. If only I could be gone from this world. In the middle of me wishing I could force myself into sleep, the phone rang. Edward. I was surprised by the fact that I was actually happy to hear from him. It'd been two days, and I wanted him back in bed. You know what they say, you want what you can't have.

"I've missed you soo much!" I practically screamed into the phone. A true smile forming on my lips for him.

"I know you have, baby, me too. How's everything going?"

Great, I'm having sex with your brother and it's amazing and I've never been touched quite like it before. "Well, I think you're going to have to talk with Jacob when you get back. Apparently there has been some 'heavy petting' going on when they think no one is looking." A low growl hissed at me through the phone and I couldn't help but laugh at his fatherly instincts. "Edward, we were like that at one point, too. They're just having fun and exploring what they've got."

"No one is exploring Renesmee." I could picture him squeezing the bridge of his nose and shaking his head back and forth.

"We will one day have to share her, Edward. She won't always be our baby."

"Just tell that mutt that he needs to keep his hands away from areas that are covered," he corrected himself, "that should be covered."

"I think he has the decency to remember that one. How's it going up there?"

"Kate is the only one willing to leave, Garrett will go anywhere she does. Eleazar and Carmen aren't really ready. But Tanya seems that she will budge shortly. Alice sees it'll be a good week or so before they'll be ready to leave, and another week before they'll figure out where they want to go."

"Oh, hurry back to me soon, love." I didn't really mean it though. I wanted to see him, but he could take all the time he needed to return to me. I wanted as much time with him as possible before I had to face this life with Edward.

"Bella?" he sounded upset, he sounded quite confused.

"Yes?"

"Alice can barely see you anymore."

"Jake and I are hanging out a lot, you know."

"No, I mean, it's like you never have your mind made up about anything anymore. She can barely see the faces of people you talk to, she only gets seconds at a time of your day."

"There isn't much for me to make my mind about, Edward."

He sounded like he was going to resign from his chain of thought. I made him feel stupid for being bothered by my inaction. "Oh." was all he could mumble.

"Well, I'm going to make sure that Jasper and Emmett are going to let Jake and Renesmee sleep at some point of the night. I love you, and I'll talk to you soon."

"I love you, too."

I am the biggest sack of shit. That was my personal mantra as I walked back to the main house. I am the biggest sack of shit to ever walk the earth. Edward felt stupid for wondering what was wrong with me. When had I become such a great actor? I remembered when he could see right through every lie I came up with. From what I ate for breakfast to my feelings. Now, I could lie to him about anything and he wouldn't think twice about it. Guilt, self loathing. I made sure my mood had swung into the opposite direction before heading to the door. I turned into loving mother inside and out, I turned to a lover on the inside. "Nessie, don't you think it's about time you go to bed?"

"It's eleven, mom, seriously?"

"A growing gal needs her rest…right Jacob?"

"Sure, sure."

We both rolled our eyes at his catch phrase, but then recognition flew to Jake's face, and soon found it's way to Renesmees. I didn't need Jasper to know lust was bubbling over.

"Mom?" She waited for a response but I just nodded at her with a tight smile. "Is it cool if I spend the night at Jacob's? Billy really misses him and I want to hang out with Emily tomorrow. He'll sleep on the couch, I swear!" I thought it over. I really wouldn't mind the solitary of having my cottage to myself.

"If you touch her, Jacob, and these are Edward's words, not mine…If you touch her in anyway my husband does not deem respectfully, he will make you want to die."

"I know Edward is melodramatic, but I think you elaborated on that a bit." Leave it to Jake to find everything amusing.

"Only at the end. He didn't specify punishment, I actually think that is scarier."

"True.." with that the two love birds were out of the door in a flash, leaving Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and I in the living room alone.

"I'm going back to the cottage, see you guys later." I was greeted with a unison of goodbyes and exited swiftly before running as fast as I could to my home. I went back into my bed to pretend I was going to sleep through the night, to pretend I was human.

**Jasper's POV**

It had been one night since I had last felt the contours of Bella's body underneath my skin, but it felt like an eternity had past. The smell of her skin when it was touching mine, the way her lips pouted and her eyebrows raised and scrunched together when her emotions told me I was doing everything right, it was intoxicating. Making love with Alice was always grand, but I could always sense when it just wasn't the same anymore. It hadn't been the same in twenty years. I couldn't grab her by her hair the way Bella's long locks would let me, Alice didn't arch her back into me the way Bella had. I felt sick to my stomach every time I had to touch Alice, knowing that I had betrayed my wife in the worst of ways. Her own best friend and I had done things to each other no two married people should have. Especially when we were practically family. How hard it was to not think about doing it again. How hard it was to never think about what I wanted to do to her the next time I had the chance. With Alice and Edward away, it was so much easier to let the feelings of guilt pass, I could ignore them enough to still talk to Alice on the phone. I wondered how long it would take before she would catch on, before I slipped up and imagined the future. So far though, she hadn't said anything, and her emotions were always happy, only irritated when we talked about the Denali. I knew I should stop, I was going to. I just needed to talk to Bella about it before I just ignored her. I would never want her to think I didn't love her. She deserved so much more than what I could give, Edward and Alice deserved so much better than what we were doing to them. I made sure everyone in the house was too busy to notice I had left before I went to her cottage to talk to her for the last time about what we had done. We would do our best to ignore everything that had happened in the last month. We would have to.

When I came to her house, I didn't know what I should do, did I knock on the door? Surely she had already heard me, my foot steps, my breath hitting the mahogany of her door. I decided to just walk in, I couldn't see her but her scent led me to her bedroom. She was laying still as stone in her bed with her eyes closed. If I had known better, I would have thought she was sleeping. She peeked from under one eyelid and gave me a smile that was torn. Torn between two men she loved. I gave her the same smile back, torn between two women I loved. "What are you doing here, Mr. Whitlock?" Her voice was like music, so beautiful, so unintentionally beautiful.

"To see you of course." I couldn't bear to say Mrs. Cullen. I couldn't dare mention his last name. It'd be a reminder of how I betrayed my, for all intents and purposes, brother for the last fifty or so years.

"Well, as you can see, I'm quite busy resting, why do you have to see me now?" She was being so playful, if I couldn't feel her agony, I would have guessed she had nothing to be upset about. Why was she so better at pretending than I?

I cracked. "I love her, Bella. I'm so sorry." Her face betrayed her in that instant, no human would have ever caught such movements. But, I saw her eyes wish they could swell with tears, there was a frown marred deep within her face. After that, it turned into understanding, her emotions went numb. Why was she doing this to me? Why was I doing this to her? Couldn't she see how much I needed to be with her? No, of course not. She had wanted insecurity so bad, and now she was getting it. I just don't think she wanted it from me. "You're beautiful beyond words, you're amazing at everything, your heart is the greatest. I want to continue to be stupid and careless and love your body. But, you're not mine to love, you're not mine to hold. You are his, she is mine."

She didn't say anything, she just nodded at my proposal; to stop our affair that had turned our worlds around, the affair that gave us hope to face a new day. How long could she look at me with out saying a word? Without moving? With each minute, I wondered when she would blink or breath again. After an hour of staring she finally spoke. "I love you, Jasper. I'm so, so sorry you had to be dragged into the horror that is my mindset. I'll try my hardest to not let you feel what I feel anymore, I want you to be happy, more than anything."

She complained about being selfish all of the time, yet she gave up her happiness again, and again, and again. She gave up her happiness for her husband's, her daughter's, her family's, and now she was willing to give it up for me. "Don't you understand?! I will never be happy again. No, not the way I was before all of this. You have become too important. Giving you up, it's hell to realize I won't ever be able to touch you! Bella, you mean too much for me now to ever be happy. Take in solace that I am and will always be just as miserable as you are. I was miserable before this all happened, I just wouldn't admit it before. You've brought me back to life, forced me to know."

"Then why are you doing this?" It came out in a broken sob that ripped through me, it was accusational and heart wrenching.

"Because, it's what is right. We're in love with other people! How long can we even get away with it? One of us is bound to slip up soon, She will see it. You'll forget to shield my thoughts one day, and he will hear me, see me going over my memories with you. And then what, we run away? Could you ever do it? Could you look into his eyes when he found out what we have done to him? Could you leave your daughter behind or take her away from her family, from Jacob?"

I didn't mean to sound so harsh, why were my words so bitter? She was a sweet fruit, and I was treating her like garbage. Broken sobs were forming in her chest and she was shaking, trembling. Her whole body was in peril. She was heartbroken, she was distraught, confused, upset, and angry. I had done this to her. I had made her worse than she was before. I wondered if she would hate who she was now more than the person who she was. I took away her hope of ever being happy and I was the most pathetic excuse for a being. How could I comfort her? She wouldn't have appreciated it if I tried to calm her with my gift. I had to comfort her the only way I had learned how.

I waited for her hands to part away from her face, and I replaced her hands with my own. There were no tears flowing down her face, of course, but I could feel their burn on her cheeks. I kissed her forehead, her nose, and then her lips. She didn't kiss me back at first, I could taste bitterness in her attitude, and I understood. But I did not stop. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't. The second her lips parted and she breathed her sweet scent into my lungs, I knew there was no way in hell I could ever want to stop. I tore my hands from her face and traced them down to the end of her shirt, leaving them there tracing lines up her smooth body. Lace? Satin? I let out a growl. Was it not hard enough for me to ignore her when she was only in rags? It was like pouring salt into my wounds by wearing this. A part of me wondered if she was taking pleasure in torturing me, and then I realized it was more like I was torturing her. The rags were no more, leaving her delicate frame to only be covered by the dainty fabric that's soul purpose was to drive me insane. I had come here to tell her we had to stop, and I was the one who realized that I couldn't. Why wouldn't she just say no? I had no strength. The look on her face as I felt my way inside of her alone was enough to satisfy me, enough to end all wars and start new ones in her name. She had power over me like no other ever had. The Confederate couldn't touch this, not Maria, not even Alice. My life was now in her hands. I knew then it was silly of me to think that I could ever stop this on my own. As long as she wanted it, there was no way I could refuse.

I did things to her that I knew her husband wouldn't, I made sure she could feel. I made sure that she got everything she wanted. I was her experiment, I was her pawn and how happy I was to be involved in her game. It wasn't until after we were finished that I realized it was Edwards bed I was laying on, it was in Edward's bed that I had kissed Bella's thighs. Guilt was creeping it's way back up on both of us and Bella started to sob again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't ever do that to you again. I'm sorry."

"You've done nothing to me, we're doing this to ourselves." And a part of me realized that we were going to continue doing this to ourselves as well.

"I'm sorry that I have no will to quit you."

"I'm sorry that I ever thought I did."

She washed her sheets and started cleaning the room with bleach and pine sol. The smell burned my nose, and I was wondering if Bella had OCD that had just transferred into this life. But, I soon realized she was trying to cover up my scent, trying to cover up the act. Even if it would be weeks before Edward came back he'd still smell that I had been in there, he'd realize that where the bed was, my scent clung to the fabric. So would anyone else that came by. Even Renesmee could probably tell. I thought of a new rule to our affair. "We can't do this in our own homes anymore."

"No, we cannot."


	3. The Spider and The Web

**A/N: Alice and Edward are back, *gasp*! What happens next. The title of this chapter, along with the scene that goes with it was inspired by actually watching it happen. It was interesting, watching a moth escape what was supposed to be it's certain death. It really got to me, how much of us actually beg to be trapped? And isn't Bella's relationship with Jasper more similar to the spider than Edward? Blah, hope you enjoy this, it took a lot out of me to write it, especially the shower scene.**

I'll never forget how I felt when I first saw Edward the morning he and Alice returned. I hadn't felt such happiness in so long. His kiss was a drug to me, a drug I had forgotten about until that instant. His hug seemed awe inducing. He was my man, and I was his woman. But, deep in my heart, I knew I was also Jasper's. I didn't let it take anything from my moment though. It was so easy to forget about the things we had done almost every night for the last week and a half when my loving husband was looking into my eyes, when he was retelling the stories he had compiled of his time in Denali.

When he asked me of my time away from him, I told him the truth, only partially. "Jasper and I talked about what was bothering him. I think it really helped. I was scared I was losing my friend."

"That's good," he paused, "why are you still shielding his thoughts then?" Panic, utter panic. For once, I was grateful for the lack of a heartbeat. Luckily my vampire mind could come up with something quick. Something also, half way true.

"He's still going over what he was upset about. I wanted him to know his secret was safe with me." He gave me that crooked smile and kissed my forehead. Of course, he would never question me. I really wanted to say that I wanted my secret safe with him, our secret safe with us. But, I didn't think that would necessarily make me look like a faithful wife.

"I guess it does get really annoying to have someone know your thoughts all of the time doesn't it?"

I smiled smugly, "I wouldn't know."

He rolled his eyes at my amusement, but laughed lightly at my joke. I decided to lift my shield to show him how happy I was to see him. But I protected myself up in that instant afterward, afraid I might think of something I shouldn't. His grin grew wider before he took me in his arms. And it was then, I realized how hard it would be to give him up. My husband, my glorious husband. I was starting to feel like I didn't deserve him. I felt that he was too good for me and I smiled at my horrible conclusions. I knew why I felt so small now compared to Edward. Insecurity was marring its way back into my life, I was becoming the normal Bella. The only way I could continue to love Edward and be happy, was to continue to love Jasper just the same. The two men cradled my heart, that hole that ached for Jasper would take over if I stopped being with him. My heart would cease to exist if I left Edward.

We were sitting on our porch that Esme had created to resemble the beach of our honeymoon. He was admiring the plants and quiet pond, holding my hand. I was watching the spider and it's web in the corner. There was a moth flying around the web, almost begging to be stuck. After a few minutes, it flew too close, and it's wings and body were tangled. The spider ran across its web to attack, sink it's fangs into it's prey to immobilize it, wrap it up and leave it for later consumption. But, the moth didn't give up, it's wings fluttered hurriedly, and it freed itself before the spider had the chance. I was envious of that moth, I could never get out of this web I had put myself into. I was begging for this, just as the moth was begging to be caught in that spider's trap. I longed for the spider to come after me, I didn't realize I had made a mistake. I became immobilized and wrapped in my husband's cocoon of love, he was sucking the life out of me and didn't even know.

It was a night of celebration for the family, to have almost everyone back, Esme and Carlisle had left a few days before and wouldn't be home until the next morning. Loud laughter echoed from the main house and Edward and I decided to join in and see what all the ruckus was about. Alice had been shopping and was showing the family what their new wardrobes were. The laughter was coming from Emmett, apparently Alice had showed them the excessive amount of clothes she had bought me. The horrible amounts of lingerie. Oh, my lord. I knew Jasper could feel my embarrassment, my shame.

"Try and burn all of these, Bella!!!" Her laughter echoed Emmett's, although hers seemed to be more like the mania of an evil genius who had a plan to destroy the world.

"Burn them?" Jasper inquired, he raised an eyebrow at Alice and then at me.

"I had a vision of Bella burning the sexiest creation on Earth that I even had a vision about on what good times it would create." She sighed in exasperation. "And now, it won't ever even come true."

"Oh.." Jasper and Edward replied in unison. Jasper's voice was horrified. He knew damn well that vision had come true. He knew how close we had been to getting caught. Edward's voice was more close to laughter. "I'm pretty sure these outfits will more than outdo your previous vision, Alice." She smiled at my husband and Jasper tried his hardest not to grimace. He was probably more than sure that they would live up to her expectations. I could see it hurt him to think that some of them wouldn't be with him. I gave him a glare to make sure he kept his thoughts in order. We could never mess up.

I took my public display of embarrassment back with me to the cottage after a few hours of new jokes from Emmett. I won a bet when I had first become a vampire with him that meant he would never joke mine and Edward's sex life again- that bet unfortunately got overturned when Edward and Emmett made another bet a year or two later- something about how a baseball game would turn out. Alice wouldn't help Edward in his stupid bet, so he lost. Ever since, Emmett had been relentless. I decided to burn fire with fire after that. Just not that night, I was too upset about Jasper to care.

I quickly decided that I would never wear any of the lingerie she bought me, but I will admit, the normal clothes she got me were pretty nice. I guess she realized if she bought me things that were at least somewhat what I would normally wear, she'd get to see me in them instead of having them rot inside my closet. Edward and I talked through most of the night. Renesmee stayed up with us until she could no longer keep her eyes open. Which, was surprisingly very late; 4 am. He told me how he was afraid at first that Tanya would forget that he was a married man. She surprised him, and myself, by only hugging him when he arrived and before he departed. Almost all of their conversations were aimed towards Nessie and I.

"Was she thinking about you though?"

He laughed at me and flashed his award winning grin. "Is that jealousy I hear there, Mrs. Cullen?"

I bit my lip, "Noooo. I was just wondering if her thoughts were as pure as her actions is all."

"Mhhm, sure."

"I think you're just avoiding my question."

"Her thoughts weren't as pure." I drew on a face of complete hurt, but it was ruined by my smile. "But she didn't have any ill thoughts towards you. She just was a little envious that…" He was avoiding it again.

"What?"

"She kept trying to picture herself as you, especially in the bedroom." He coughed, my vampire husband coughed to cover up his embarrassment. "But, believe me, it was no fun to watch. Even thinking about touching another person but you makes me sick to my stomach."

I smiled for him, and I gave him a nice sweet kiss. But, on the inside I was crying and screaming and calling myself a demon. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"May I join?" His eyes burned with anticipation.

"Maybe not this time."

He covered up his confusion with a sly smile and told me he would be waiting. As I undressed myself, I watched closely in the mirror. My eyes were now a butterscotch, so much less intimidating then the fiery red they once were. My face was still so foreign to me, the only thing I had left was my always seemingly swollen lips. "Pouty" was what Edward had called them. "Devastatingly sexy" was Jasper's description. The way they described my body was the easiest way to distinguish them. Edward treated me like a rare doll, never to be taken out of it's package, only admired from the shelf. Jasper ripped me right out of that box and made sure the toy got it's use.

As I was turning the water on, I heard wobbly steps creeping up to the door.

"Renesmee?"

"Can I come in, I have to go to the bathroom."

"Sure."

Her eyes were half open and she could barely find the toilet. I don't even think she noticed I was naked. "What time is it?"

"It's about eight."

"Can you tell grandma not to- breakfast for me, I don't think-awake for another 4 hours." I laughed at her pathetic attempt at a sentence and told her just to go back to bed. She may have been given eternity, but she still got to sleep through half of it.

I welcomed the comforting heat as it splashed onto my body. I could see in detail as each droplet of water hit my skin and spread before sliding down my hard body. I tried my hardest not to pay attention to the detail of things like these. I tried my hardest to ignore the fact that I could feel one grain of sand under my foot. I tried to ignore that there was one long curly strand of copper hair around the drain. I tried to ignore that I could hear Edwards fingers thrumming on his chest, or Renesmee's light mumbling in her sleep. I put myself in my bubble of self absorption and thought about how perfect Edward was, how much I would miss Charlie soon, Jasper's beauty, Alice's sweet face.. I lingered there and I started to sob once more. I was starting to feel like if I cried anymore, venom would certainly just start pouring out of my eyes. My sadness was enough to change what my body's physical make up could control. I knew Edward would hear me, but I couldn't help it. I slumped to the floor and hugged my knees pretending the droplets of water from the shower were my tears. Before a minute had passed, Edward was in the bathroom to comfort me. I told him that I didn't want him to see me like this, I begged him to leave. It reminded me of how I cried for hours in his arms when I realized I could never make Jacob happy. I could not cry over another man to Edward, especially when he didn't know that I even was.

"What's wrong Bella? Everything is okay. Don't be upset, shh, don't be upset." My sobs were relentless. His soothing words were probably just making it worse. I knew very well nothing was okay. But he stayed right by my side, in the shower, clothes on and all until my breathing became even.

"Look at what you've done, you're all wet now, Alice will kill you." I tried my hardest to give a slight smile.

"As if Alice's rage could compare to my wife sobbing." He rolled his eyes and put his arm around my shoulder while turning the water off with the other. "Now, would you like to tell me what you're so upset about?"

"It's nothing, really."

He frowned at me sympathetically, "Does this have anything to do with us moving soon?"

I frowned at him, why was everyone jumping to that conclusion? He took my grimace as a yes, though. "You'll still get to see Charlie for awhile, whenever you want."

I had to go along with his assumption, it was the only one that made sense. "I know, it just sucks. I still hate lying all of the time." I was telling the truth, I really did hate lying all of the time…just not to Charlie.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could say I knew what it was like, but I really don't. My parents were already dead. I didn't have to lie to the people I loved. The only thing I could compare it to is when I told you I didn't love you anymore…"

"Lying is no fun," no fun at all, "it causes drama."

I saw him give me an evil smirk, I knew he was going to joke himself, he did it often. "Sure does. I'M GUNNA KILL MYSELF WAHH!" Such a different problem was ahead of us, a much more devastating one because it was true.

"Oh, shut up. You're going to wake up Renesmee." I playfully punched him in his chest before getting up. I realized I was naked when he grabbed me and ran to our room. His soaking wet clothes were on the floor of the foot of our bed and his body was laying next to mine. He didn't try anything, I think he realized I was far too upset and emotionally drained to want to do anything. This did not however, stop him from idolizing my body, gently tracing my curves with his hands. It reminded me too much of the analogy of the doll in the box I had made earlier. I placed his god like face in my hands and pressed my forehead onto his, smelling his sweet scent. I took all of the features of his face in at once, and I gasped. The way his eyes melted like butter around his black, thick lashes when he looked into mine; the way his smile grew and grew when he saw me smile; oh, how is cheek bones seemed to be cut into the highest point in his face…He was so happy just being with me. Why couldn't he be enough?

After an hour of my self loathing and Edward's eyes marveling, I decided I wanted to go to the main house. Nessie was still sleeping, so we left her there to get her much needed rest. I think that was the latest she had ever stayed awake in her short life. Carlisle and Esme had returned, I guess around 8 or so because the whole family was still engrossed on their tales of travel. It was very hard to find a place that was just as cloudy as the state of Washington. They had done their research and found out that Charleston, West Virginia was the first city to be claimed the least sunniest under any Washington city, it lived up to it's name. Alice was excited, her visions were of a huge three story mall just twenty minutes away from our home, I tried my hardest to ignore it when Edward told me that I was in most of them being dragged there with her. At least I knew she didn't know yet.

I was more nervous now about starting high school again than anything. Edward, Nessie, and I were going to be playing sophomores. Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett would be juniors. In short; same roles they had been playing. This left Jake in an awkward position. He was 21 and looked 25. He would always look around 25. He decided he'd just work as a mechanic, Alice saw this working out perfectly. I hadn't been to school as a vampire before, I was worried it would be a torture fest. I had been around humans the last five years, but never in condensed settings, never so many at once. I was extremely worried that maybe my super-power-against-feeding-on-humans-thing would dissipate once I smelled so many.

"Bella, why are you freaking out?" Jasper asked me in front of everyone. I couldn't believe he did, what if I was freaking out about us? He would have just been kicking me into the spotlight of our affair. But, I knew he was smarter than that, he knew I would keep my cool in front of Edward.

"What if I can't handle it?" I looked down at my shoes and kicked at the tile, totally unnecessary for my vampire body. Totally necessary to keep my sanity.

"Baby, if anyone can do it, it's you." Edward whispered in my ear, everyone could hear it, but it still felt so personal, until Jasper chimed in.

"Exactly, I think you're just over worrying, you'll do great." He walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. I wanted to melt, I wanted to melt straight into his arms. "I'll be there for you, I'll calm you down. Everyone will be there for you if it gets to be too much." I smiled up at him and he gave me a lazy grin back before giving me a warm hug. Immediately, I worried our exchange was too much, our family would note the odd encounter. But, Jasper continued to send me calming waves, and it lessened my worries. So did the fact that Edward agreed with him and Esme ran up to me and gave me a hug as well. Her hug felt so comforting and sweet, but no where near the same as Jasper's. After that, the room burst out into small separate conversations; excitement was radiating off of everyone as they discussed all the new things to do in the city, what school we were going to, what hospital Carlisle was going to be working at, how many cloudy days were expected, and wondering what the new city would think of the huge "adopted" family. The resemblance between Edward and Renesmee was too much to try and pass them off as anything other than siblings. We were pretty sure that by the end of the summer, when we moved, she would look close enough to our age for them to pass off as twins. We were still working out the reason as to why Jacob was following us around, the best we could come up with was somewhat the truth. He and Nessie dated when we lived in Forks, and he wanted to go where she went. Minus the whole freaky werewolf shape shifter imprinting thing, of course. It would definitely cause a little gossip, but we were moving to such a bigger place than Forks, we all doubted people would even pay enough attention to us in the first place. But, then again, I'm pretty sure no matter what school we went to we would get attention. It's not everyday that 6 new kids come to your school at once, and they all look like marble tributes to the gods.

Renesmee was beyond excited, it would be her first time in public school. Esme and Carlisle had been home schooling her since she was one. I told her that she probably already knew everything they were going to teach her, but it would be good to get out and socialize with her classmates. Poor thing, her closest friends were her aunts and mom. That's not your average fifteen year old (looking) daughter's first choice to say the least.

After I was done talking to Renesmee about her soon to be high school years, Rosalie and Alice took over. Carlisle took me to the side from everyone to ask me how I would feel with not living in a separate house. The house they had bought was 3 stories, had ten bedrooms, a living room on each floor, a bathroom for every room, and so many other things I really didn't care about. I would definitely miss the cottage, it was sad to think it'd be at least another eighty years before we could move back. But, what really worried me about living in the same house as everyone else is that Alice told me our rooms would be right next to each other. I didn't know if I could handle hearing him touch her…and I highly doubted he wanted to hear us either. She was punishing us both about our affair without any knowledge. I had a slight feeling it would be like hell doubled over- like the burning that comes with becoming a vampire, but only in my heart. I smiled for her though, I agreed it would be so much fun.

"Oh, it'll be like a slumber party all of the time!" Bitterly, I wondered how many slumber parties would include me fucking her husband. I stuttered in my mind right there. I stopped thinking about everything. I looked at Alice to gauge whether or not my internal monologue had triggered one of her visions. She gave me a slight smirk, "And even Jasper is going to join."

"I seriously doubt Jasper would want anything to do with the torture you bring with your makeovers." I laughed so it wouldn't sound so harsh.

"No, I just saw you two sitting in our living room together on the couch watching tv is all."

"Oh." I hadn't slipped up enough for her to see anything, it was the second time it had happened to me. Jasper told me he had slipped a few times and she would see us talking alone or me smiling up at him. She saw him comforting me when he told me we had to stop. She asked what I was so upset about, he said he told her it was about moving. We were both glad she didn't ask why he was over at the cottage in the first place, we more than praised our lucky stars that she hadn't seen what happened next.

After a few hours, the excitement died down, and everyone went their separate ways. Edward took Nessie out for lunch when she finally woke up and they were going to spend the entire day together. Alice and Jasper had gone shopping. I drove up to Port Angeles so I could grab some new books. I always read books over and over, but I was really in need of some type of change. At this point, my memory had every word of _Wuthering Heights _imbedded in my brain, and not just because of my freaky vampire memory. None of the books held any interest, but I didn't let myself get discouraged. I was going to look at every book before I left empty handed. I ended up finding two books that seemed they would be interesting enough: _Cat's Cradle_ by Kurt Vonnegut and _Invisible Monsters_ by Chuck Palahniuk. The first was about some guy who goes to a weird country where everyone practices some religion they know isn't true. The second was about a model who gets her face blown off and steals pills from old people with her tranny best friend. No happy couple bullshit. No sap, just stories that held my interest, just stories to get my life out of my head. I really didn't know what to do after that, so I just made my way back home and started reading one of the books I had bought. It was then that I heard a light knock. Alice poked her head through the door and gave me a small smile before walking in. I set my book down and asked her to sit next to me. My dead heart was so nervous, I could of sworn I heard it beat softly.

Her tiny lips fell out of her smile and into a slight frown, "I have to ask you something."

I couldn't help but lose my mask of happiness. A tight line formed my lips. I nodded for her to continue. "It's about Jasper." She looked to the wall in front of us and paused for a few seconds. "Well, it's about you and Jasper really. He's been acting so strange lately, and I don't know if he told you, but I had a vision of him consoling you when we were away."

"I was upset about us moving, and I really missed Edward…" I tried to make it sound like I was just reiterating what had happened that depressing night, not defending myself. I couldn't tell if I was successful or not.

"Yeah, I know. It's just, usually Jasper can try and block out others' emotions and not let them control him. But, lately I feel like he's glued to you emotionally. Whatever you're feeling, it must be pretty intense because he's reacting so strongly."

"I'm sorry." It was all I could manage. I didn't even know what she was trying to get at. It sounded more and more like she knew, somewhat, what was going on between us.

"No, no. I don't want your apologies. I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

"Thank you, I just want to keep it from Edward." I bit my lip into a smile and she nudged me on the shoulder.

"What are best friends for, eh?" I wish I could tell you to the full amount of how broken my heart was at that point. No, it was shattered. Those words shattered my heart. What were best friends for? I was pretty sure "to have sex with your husband" wasn't on anyone's lists. It wasn't on mine.

"It's just been pretty rough for me for awhile, that's all."

She pulled me into a loving embrace and kissed my cheek. "I understand, and I'm glad that you and Jasper are getting close again, I was getting worried when you two weren't really talking out of nowhere. But, I'm here for you, too." Then, I lost her. "And oh my god. I saw the cutest clothes when Jasper and I were shopping for Renesmee, I just _had_ to get them. They just shout her name! I'm going to go grab them real quick. I have to show you, uh!"

As she went through each accessory and item of clothing she bought, I thought only of how horrible of a person I was. I wondered what Jasper felt, knowing that his wife and I were in my house laughing like old maids about everything. It was so much easier to pretend we were happy during the day with them all around to act for, how hard it was at night. The day might have been merciful, but the night would always be ruthless.


	4. A Little Jealousy Never Hurt

**A/N: Oh, my. The Cullens are going to leave Forks, Washington. I really don't know anything about West Virginia, I went there once a few years ago on a road trip with my family. But, we stayed in the campgrounds. I'm a city girl, so I'm going to try to avoid really talking about this state. Ahaha. It's not like that is important anyways. This is a build up of some grief and resentment...also where the story really picks up. OOOHHH. Alors, continuez à lire mes amis! Je vous remercie pour le soutien et continuer à donner une note!**

"Mom, I'm so excited!" Renesmee was practically jumping out of her shoes. We were on the airplane to Charleston.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't scream 'mom' at me in public, you have to realize I look like your best friend or something." She really hadn't called her father and I anything but "mom" and "dad" before. I hoped she wouldn't slip up once we started school. Uh, school…I was loathing the idea of arriving. I wanted to hop out of the airplane and run back to the safety of Forks. Away from the unknown and halls of alluring teenagers.

When we got to the house, all of our mouths hit the floor. It was _huge_. I didn't even want to think of how much money it cost, I didn't want to think about how Carlisle probably paid for it all at once. Renesmee's room was on the first floor, on a different wing from all of the other rooms down there. While, on the other side Rosalie and Emmett shared a room. It was more like the size of a small house. Mine and Edward's room was on the second floor along with Alice and Jasper's. A huge living room separated our corridors. It was like living in an upscale apartment, that had a wall ripped out to set it next to another. My first thoughts were filled with relief. Maybe it wouldn't be too easy to hear them. From the living room, there was another hallway that formed and that is where we decided we should place Jacob. There was another room downstairs, but it was right next to Renesmee's. We weren't too sure of how we felt about that. Carlisle and Esme got the whole third floor to themselves. Carlisle's study, Esme's office, and their bedroom. It was a house that was fairly easy to fall in love with. It wasn't directly in the city, more close to a forest near by. West Virginia would be a perfect place to hunt with all of it's wildlife.

After we got settled in, we decided to explore the city. Somehow Jasper and I ended up going separate from the others, it was nice. We barely got to even talk during the summer because of all chaos that circled our home about the moving, two months it had been since we had time alone. I missed his lazy smile and feeling his arms wrapped around me. He held my hand as we sat on a bench in a nearby park. It was enough contact that it satisfied our needs of each other for the moment, but simple enough that if any of our family walked to us they wouldn't think much of it. We didn't say much as I rested my head on his shoulder, we mostly just watched all of the people that passed us. Some teenagers passed and their whispers might as well have been screams. "Wow, look at them." "I wonder if they're models." I couldn't help but to be a little bit smug and I smiled up towards Jasper and winked.

"Yeah, Jasper. You must be a model." He chuckled a bit and pushed me to the side. I gave him puppy dog eyes and he pulled me back next to him, this time wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I felt like I had been so high strung since all of this moving stuff started, but the second I was with him, I felt rested and forgot all about my worries. He was my sleep, he was my serenity. I had stopped shielding him from Edward for a month or so, because Jasper told me that whenever Edward was around him he got anxious and curious as to what he was thinking about. It was hard to do, I had become so used to constantly shielding him, it felt unnatural to take it away from him. Also, I wasn't quite sure if he could manage his thoughts around him. I guess he had held up so far. I knew I could have never done it. My mind always played back the few times we had been together. It was the only thing that could keep me sane when we weren't doing those things.

Once we grew a bit tired of the park, we decided to walk around the town some more. There were thousands of strip malls and convenience stores followed by plenty of alleyways. We decided to walk through them, see if there were any hidden shops, local things. It didn't take me all of a second to slam him into the wall of a building and press my lips onto his. Brick dust flew around him and onto me, a brown and rustic red snow to shower us. Oh, how much I had missed the taste of his mouth, the curves of his lips, the feel of his tongue. He grabbed me by my neck and pulled me even closer to his body. When these moments happened, I caught myself wondering how I ever lasted so long without touching him. I gave him a small apologizing smile before backing away from him and continued to walk down the alley, he shortly followed.

He shook his head when he caught up to me. "You kill me, Bella, how am I supposed to not think of that in front of Edward?" He was laughing as he said these words, but we both knew how serious he actually was.

Going back to our family was the hardest thing I had done up to that point. I wanted to forget about them and run with Jasper. But, he was right. I would never leave my husband or my daughter. It was silly of me to think I loved Jasper enough to leave them behind. No love would ever be strong enough.

The night before our first day of school was nerve wracking. Alice was chasing after everyone with their outfits they had to wear, thank god for Nessie and Jacobs neediness of sleep because that was the only way to avoid her wrath. The only person who didn't try to argue with the outfit she had chosen for him was Jasper. He never did, he always just smiled and went along with whatever she wanted. The way she looked at Jasper was excruciating. It was filled with so much love. Alice and Jasper were probably the most spiritual couple I had ever seen. Don't get me wrong, Rosalie and Emmett were definitely in love, but the connection Alice and Jasper had was so beautiful. I was tainting their love every time I touched her husband. I hated him for it. He probably could feel it, but he ignored it for his sanity's sake and Edwards. If Edward knew that looking at Alice and Jasper made me angry, red flags would be sure to pop up. I wasn't jealous of Jasper and Alice. I was angry because he kissed me first. He didn't have to show me his lust and understanding. He could have just given me a nice hug and chatted with me for the rest of the night. He chose to put my face in his hands, he chose it all. I never had the choice. It was as if Jasper had been waiting for me, but it all happened so fast. I may have thrown myself at him, but he could have easily turned it down. Alice gave him everything, she saved him from his miserable pointless existence. Gave light in his eternal darkness. Yet, he kissed me that night, and I couldn't help but think, "What is he missing?" But, shortly after that thought, I remembered he probably was thinking the same thing. I could never be jealous of Alice, because I hurt for her too much. I did not want to be in her place, I just wanted to keep my own. My logic was fucked and I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Bella, you're fine. Don't worry." Edward whispered to me so low, I'm barely sure the rest of our vampire family even heard him. I took a deep breath in and followed suit with the rest of our family into the high school of torture for the next few years. The impact of their notice of us was terrifying as it was immediate. I can't imagine what they were only thinking to themselves because they were whispering things I would have thought they would be ashamed to say.

"Holy hell, look at those girls."

"I know, which one do you think is the hottest?"

"I don't know, but I wouldn't mind fucking any of them."

Those words almost set Emmett in a frenzy. Edward gave the boys a death glare as we walked into the office. There, the whispers were even louder.

"Whoa, they are beautiful."

"Do you think they're all related?"

"I don't know…they kind of look alike, but don't."

"Well, I hope they're not, because it'd be a little gross. Look at the red head and that brunette. If his hand got any closer to her ass…" Edward smirked and moved his hand directly onto my butt and gave it a squeeze. The girls behind us lowly giggled, Jasper looked like he was holding in vomit. I didn't have class with Edward until 3rd block, but Nessie was in my next class, Art. We got to class before the teacher even did, and she whispered so only I could hear, "It's kind of weird having a class with your mom.."

I smiled and put my hand through her bronze ringlets, "Don't worry, make friends! I will act only as a sister while in school." I held my palm in the air, "Scouts Honor!"

The murmurs were ridiculous, you would think that because we moved here before school had started, it wouldn't be much to talk about. There were plenty more new students than just us. A whole grade of them. But, my hopes were crushed. I kind of expected them to be anyways. We sat in the back of the class and watched the students pile in. The brave few guys tried to approach us, but we kindly mentioned our boyfriends immediately and they soon backed off. I knew that I wasn't going to be really talking to any of the humans here, I had held little interest in making friends. But, Nessie, she would surely want someone to hang out with and be a kid with. She found her first friend in a small girl, maybe fifteen, named Chloe. They giggled all through out class while I smiled and nodded at appropriate times.

One thing I didn't like about this school, was that it was almost ridiculous to see my family between blocks, the hallways were congested and you had five minutes to get to class. I didn't think it would be a great idea just to shove people around, I wasn't trying to attract attention to myself. This school was definitely too big, yet it was too small to let go of our gossip. I felt that the largest school on planet Earth would be too small to notice our existence.

Jasper and I were alone in the next class, American History. I knew that with him, I'd pass this class, vampire studying abilities or not. I wanted to hold his hand so badly, I wanted to pretend he was mine, at least in this classroom. Show my admiration towards him in front of others. Instead, I made due with having my shoulder slightly leaned in his direction to slightly swift against his by chance. I was barely aware of what was going on around me staring into his eyes, but I could hear someone in front of us let out a nervous sigh. We both looked towards the culprit as soon as he started speaking.

"So, are you guys like brother and sister or something?"

Jasper answered, "Kind of, but we're adopted."

"Oh, so you two aren't related?"

"No, but I have a twin that goes here too, Rosalie."

"Cool." He shifted his eyes back and forth between us as if trying to find our bonds. I didn't know what he saw, but he seemed satisfied and turned around. The rest of class was torture, the teacher had little to say. Instead, he just sat on the computer for most of the block after handing out a syllabus along with some homework. I really hoped he wasn't going to be this horribly boring the entire year. Why were people like these even teachers? I noticed the awards, pictures, drawings, and flyers hung around the walls after that, he was the varsity soccer coach for our school. Apparently, he was a very, very good one. I guess teaching was his way of getting to be a coach.

When the bell rang, I walked as fast as my human charade would let me into the cafeteria to meet up with Edward. Somehow, we ended up being the only ones in that part of lunch. Another thing not to like about this over populated school was that they separated the lunches into two halves. So even if you did have it the same block, you probably didn't go the same times. This school was designed to keep me apart from my family. The only people I would know. Luckily, in my lunch the next day I had Alice, Rosalie, and Nessie with me. A day, B day thing. 3 classes one day, 3 classes the next. Meaning tomorrow would be another first day basically, full of new stares and gasps. Edward had found a seat in the far back corner of the cafeteria, next to the horrible smelling cafeteria line, but also refreshingly close to the door to get out of there without being noticed. He gave me his smile as I walked across the room as slow as I could allow myself to sit next to him.

"So, what are these kids talking about?"

His smile grew wider, "Well, all the girls are going hormonal over me and extremely jealous of you now that they see you next to me. Specifically a girl that was in my last class. She thought that she just might have had a chance to get with me. She still thinks it."

I smiled smugly, "Oh, really? Looks like I'm going to have to be on the look out. Seems you have a Mike Newton, now." As I said that he started to look intently at two boys and a girl sitting directly across from us. I realized that one of the boys was the boy from history class. Edward then looked at me.

"Those kids are slightly confused. They saw you and Jasper a couple days ago at the park sitting at a bench together with your head rested on his shoulder, and then seeing you sit next to each other in class. He thought you two were dating. He's trying to figure out why you're holding my hand and such."

"Hmph. He was staring at Jasper and I intensely earlier. We told him we were siblings."

"Yeah, but when you said you weren't blood related, he assumed."

"Oh."

"He knows we're talking about them. He's wondering if you know he's talking about you." After he said that, I glared at the boy from class until he gave me a pleading look before turning his gaze towards his food. "Now he feels stupid for thinking that you and Jasper were anything but friends."

"Of course he does." How could a simple human figure it out before my genius husband did? Everything was getting a bit ridiculous. I smiled for him, but he saw through it.

"Is Jasper okay? Now even Alice is trying to keep her thoughts from me about him and you. I feel like I'm being left out."

"He's fine, he's just been emotional lately, I don't think high school is going to help much being around moody teenagers all day. I think he just likes being around me because of how happy I usually am." Lies.

"Are you okay?"

"When I'm not, he's there to make me okay. It's crazy to have someone that fully understands how you're feeling, you know? " At least this was the truth.

"I'm a little jealous." He stated it as a matter of fact, as if he was detached from the entire situation.

"Why?"

"I wish you would come to me when you're upset." He frowned slightly as he spoke.

"Edward, you freak out and go all 'protect Bella' mode. I don't want to be sheltered from my pain. I just want to know that someone can understand it. I love you, Edward, I truly do. But, there are some things better left inside of my head. Hell, Jasper doesn't even really know why I'm upset most of the time, he just can feel it, and that's enough. Feeling it is understanding it. He's a great brother."

He smiled and then kissed my forehead, "I know he is, and I understand why you would go to him when you're upset, and vice versa. But, I'm still jealous."

I smiled back at him and nestled my head into his chest. "A little jealousy never hurt anybody, I guess." I couldn't see him, but I pictured him rolling his eyes at me. We waited for the bell to ring and then we went to our Study Block and then onto our last class of the day.

After that long miserable day, we headed home. Ness had more fun than I would have thought possible. She told everyone in full detail her entire day that was filled with jealousy, awkward glares, and a few friends. I felt like a horrible mother, but I just wasn't that interested in that moment. Any other time, I would have wanted her to tell me everything in minute detail. My mind was elsewhere though; lingering on the last time I had felt Jasper inside of me. It was so sudden, we left to go hunt and next thing I knew he had me pinned onto the ground and I didn't even have the chance to tell him no, not that I would have anyways. I couldn't believe it had been so long since I had last felt his touch. Jasper felt the lust pour out of me and from there, Edward noticed. Edward smiled and pulled me out of the chair I was sitting in to lead me to our room upstairs. I looked back and Jasper's facial expression was of complete horror. I sent him sorrow and regret hoping he'd realize that I meant the lust towards him. He just grew more upset by my emotions. Later on that night, he told me it was like watching me walk to my death.

I felt like I was walking towards my death, too. I had just been fantasizing about loving another and my husband took it as my lust for him. Loving Edward had never been torture for me, not even unappealing, just sad because I was so depressed. But those moments with him after the misinterpretation were the most horrifying, psyche breaking torture I had ever experienced in my life. It took me all of my strength not to start sobbing as he kissed me and worked on my body. I really was starting to lose my mind. I wondered if I would just die from misery, I had heard once of a man who died of heart failure the day after his wife died. To put it lightly, he literally died from a broken heart. I wondered morbidly if an unbeating heart could cause me to die from being in a thousand shattered pieces. I doubted it, my only hope of escaping this all was taken away from me. I knew that the only chance at an attempt at escape was to continue to hold on to Jasper. My logic was in a circle. I cheated on Edward with Jasper, and I felt horrible when I slept with Edward. But sleeping with Jasper made me feel better about feeling bad about sleeping with Edward. Which made me feel bad when I slept with Edward. Which made me feel bad when I was with Jasper.

I had no idea how the crazed look that was marred in my brain never showed on my face. Jasper could hardly mask his emotions. It was never like he had to before. It was never like he ever had, he was an empath, for crying out loud. His whole being was centered around his emotions and those around him. I knew someone probably caught our worried exchange when I was leaving the room to be with Edward. I wondered what they thought of it. Obviously not too much, because Edward didn't seem bothered by what they saw. He was too distracted. After he was done, I took a shower and walked into our living room. It was already night time. Jacob and Ness were on a date, Edward decided to follow them in the shadows. He was getting a little insane about protecting his daughter. Alice was shopping.

Jasper was alone on the couch watching something about war. I sat so close to him that I could feel the electricity flowing through our bodies. It reminded me of Biology with Edward. This is when he said it, "Watching you walk away from me…to do that…it was like watching you walk to your death."

He felt the tears flow down my cheeks, even though neither of us could see them. I held his hand and pretended to watch TV with him, but instead I was radiating love and tenderness, he'd send me passion and want…need. It was hard, I wanted to take him somewhere, anywhere and feel whole again, but I couldn't dare think about it. I got up from the couch and walked towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to get out of this house." Before I could let him reply I ran down the stairs and out the door in a flash and continued to run until I found a nice spot in the woods. After sitting momentarily in a brief clearing, I closed my eyes and lay still in the damp grass. Why couldn't I just be happy with my husband? And why couldn't I just get over it? I heard feet approach me but I did not move to acknowledge their owner. Not until I felt his body over me, and his lips to mine.


	5. Sick Assumptions, Jumped Conclusions

**A/N: Jasper is back for a brief moment! His POV is refreshingly different than Bella's. It's nice. Drama rama? WHAT?! I love reviews. They make me all happy inside.**

I kissed him back slightly, still too upset to know if I wanted to react to what he was doing, too angry at myself. I placed my hands onto his chest to feel his beautiful scars, but there were none. I breathed in for the first time and realized his scent was not so rustic. I opened my eyes and saw only the eager eyes of my husband. I had no strength to hold it in, my lips lost their smirk and found their way into a hard line, not opening for his mouth to enter. I practically froze underneath him, staring into his eyes with horror. He wore the most pained, confused expression I had ever seen. I wondered what I had to say to cover up my disappointment.

"I'm sorry, I really wasn't expecting-" he cut me off and pushed himself off of me.

"Who were you expecting?"

"No one, I came here to be by myself." I sat up and looked towards my feet covered in dirt, easier to look at than his hatred filled eyes.

"Really, because you didn't seem opposed at first."

I looked up from my feet and scrunched my eyebrows, "What are you trying to say, Edward?!" My voice cracked more than it sounded appalled.

He didn't say anything, he just stared at me with accusation.

"Who else would kiss me, who else would?"

"I think I might have a good guess." He wore a sinister, mocking smile, one that contorted his face into a man with nothing to lose. I had never seen him act like this towards me, angry. I had seen him angry before, but never towards me. He had never, ever been angry with me before then.

"I'm leaving. I don't have time for this, I came out here to get away. Not with one moment's rest do I get bombarded."

"Where are you going?" His voice was still filled to the rim with venom.

"Why do you care, I'm the wife that didn't think the man kissing her was her husband, remember?" I couldn't believe I was saying the truth and he thought I was only being spiteful. I didn't understand how I could be so angry with him. How could I make him feel utterly ridiculous when he knew all to well what was going on…and maybe even with who?

He hung his head low, his smile crumbled, and his tone softened. "Bella, I didn't mean it. I just freaked out. I saw in Alice's vision that you and Jasper were holding hands in the living room. She didn't think much of it, I didn't either. But when you stopped kissing me when you…I'm sorry. I can't believe I did that. I'm truly sorry I ever doubted you. I guess I really am just becoming jealous."

What should I have said? Oh, don't worry I forgive you, I understand? No. I should have said something like, Oh, you're not jealous. It's actually all true. You're just smart, you have the right to doubt me. Instead, I said something so untrue, so wrong to say. "I can't believe you ever doubted me either, I would have never ever thought that, Edward. I wouldn't jump to such a conclusion." Sobs started to break into my chest, leaving the rest of the sentence hard to finish. He thought I was just so upset he had doubted me. If he only knew that I was upset because I was lying straight through my teeth. "I can't deal with it right now, I'm sorry. I-I'm going to go, I think I'll watch Renesmee sleep tonight. I love you." As I went to stand up, he pulled me back down to kiss me. My lips trembled and my breath hitched, but he didn't stop. I knew all too well what he was trying to do, dazzle me. Make me forget why I was so upset. Only one person could do that to me now, and it wasn't him. I pulled my self out of his grasp and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before running home. I didn't look back, but I imagined him with the face of rejection, I never had rejected him before then, I hoped it would not hit him too hard.

Renesmee was not asleep yet, and I didn't want her to know that I was upset, so I opted to hang out with Jacob for a while instead. I knocked at the door and was greeted with a smile and a blistering warm hug. His room was a mess: sweat pants and tee shirts cluttered the floors along with video games galore. I watched him play his xbox for a few hours, not really talking. He knew me so well. He always knew when I was upset, he always knew that if I wanted to talk to him, I would. I could tell he was getting tired, so I thanked him for letting me sit with him and left to Renesmee's room. I was stopped short before the stairs by Alice.

"Can I talk to you for a moment, Bella?" I wondered if she was upset, angry, or worried. I couldn't tell because her small smile could mean any of those three. I simply nodded and we headed outside, far enough out of hearing for the rest of the family. For a few minutes we just stood against the trees staring at the ground. "I saw Edward and you fighting." I didn't respond, though I could tell she wanted me to speak. I had no words for her other than apologies. I knew those were best kept in my heart. "I'm sorry he upset you so much. I just want you to know that I think he was completely out of line. I can't believe he treated you like that, just because he's become a bit insecure doesn't mean he has the right to accuse you or my husband. He has no idea of how to treat rejection. I know you're upset, Bella, and I'm here for you. But, I also understand that if you want to just talk to Jasper, that's okay. I don't want you to feel you have to stop being friends with him because of Edward's fears. You're allowed to have a secret with someone that isn't your best friend or husband."

What a secret we did have. "I love you, Alice." I gave her a hug and kissed her cheek. She proved herself to be the most thoughtful, sweet hearted creature time and time again. It was so painful to lie to her. So, I tried to avoid it.

"You and Edward will be fine, though. It'll just take time. I don't need my visions to know that, but they are backing me up at the moment." She gave me a sweet smile and we walked hand and hand back to the house. She danced up the stairs for a night with her husband. I trudged my way into my daughter's bedroom for a night with my demons.

Jasper's POV

I heard Bella storm up the stairs and practically run into Jacob's room. She was radiating disgust and hatred, all towards herself. I turned to Alice and she gave me a small sympathetic smile before returning to her fashion magazine. "Edward and her just got into an argument."

I was sitting at the edge of our bed and Alice was laying on her belly on the floor. I snatched the magazine playfully out of her hand and lightly smiled. "Did you see it?" My smile was so fake. I was beyond worried. It was so hard to pretend not to be too upset about it.

"Yes, it was about you, sort of." My smile broke and she turned her face back into a small smile as she sat up on the bed with me. "Don't worry, he's just being an insecure asshole. She stops kissing him and he jumps to a conclusion. He realizes how stupid he was. Don't worry."

Edward had come to know. Bella talked him into thinking he was wrong. No wonder she was feeling so fucked. I realized I was probably about to feel the same way.

"Oh."

"I trust you, I love you enough to know that I have no reason to be so insecure. I hope you don't feel like you have to pretend to not be such good friends with Bella because of him."

I looked into her sweet golden eyes, she might not have been able to tell me what their original color was, but that it didn't matter, I had never seen such a perfect shade before. I felt like a monster, and not the kind that conflicted my need for human blood. A monster in such a more vile way. I hurt the woman that meant so much to me every time I looked into her beautiful eyes. "I know, Darlin." I kissed her forehead and headed out of the room to sit in the living room, I couldn't take the feeling of sitting next to Alice anymore. I bumped into Edward. I didn't know what to say. But all I could replay in my head was the conversation that Alice and I had, replaying me kissing her forehead and my smile breaking.

"Jasper, I'm sorry." I was making love to his beautiful wife when he didn't know it, and he was saying he was sorry. I couldn't even think of that either, not until later. At that moment, I had to think quick.

"Don't worry about it." That was as close to the truth as I could get. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Edward. I'm ruining yours.

And yet, looking into my beloved's eyes and hearing his apologies still weren't enough to get me to want to stop loving her. Her body was a drug to me, one that I knew I could not stop. No amount of guilt or shame would ever stop me. I was far too deep with my admiration for her. She seemed to have complete control over me. We both wouldn't stop. Because I had no heart and she had no brains. I was willing to give her a little bit of sense if she was willing to give me some of her heart. We were always willing.

Edward was radiating shame and he asked me, "How's Bella feeling?"

I didn't show him her self disgust, instead I shrugged my shoulders, "She's pretty upset."

I didn't want to look at him anymore, I wanted to never have to think of him with Bella again. It disgusted me. I turned the tv on and only processed the images going past. I could hear Bella saying goodbye to Jacob, and as that happened Alice stood behind me and whispered in my ear, "I'm going to talk to Bella, you should go in the room." Without looking at her I walked into my bedroom and rested on the bed closing my eyes and tried my hardest to focus on Jacob's genuine happiness more than Edward's confusion, Bella's self hatred, and Alice's nervousness. But, I couldn't help but to zoom into Edward. His emotions were ranging from confusion, to despair, to insecurity, and to just simple calculating. I knew the calculating came from him hearing me feel his emotions. I wonder what he thought it meant for me to listen to him. _I can't believe you said that to her, Edward. _His emotions stopped, so he was listening to me. _Why are you so insecure about her all of a sudden? _Edward was in my room before I thought the word "sudden."

"Why are you in here?"

"Well, I believe you were trying to talk to me." His words were not harsh, though. Just merciless. "I want to know why Bella needs to feel like she has to get out of the house. I saw Alice's vision of you two, I saw that Bella just ran out."

"I don't know. I was weirded out when she just ran out, too."

"But, she trusts you, Jasper. I know she tells you what she's always upset about. I don't think she knows, but I've definitely noticed that she's changed."

"I think the whole reason we're friends is because we trust each other with our secrets." Edward let out a low growl and looked towards the door. "Why are you getting mad?"

"Because, I know you two are hiding something."

"No, we're just there for each other." _In so many ways._ Shit. Shit. Shit.

"In what ways?" Shock rocked through him as he raised his eyebrow at me.

"As friends, as secret holders, as family."

"That didn't sound like what you were thinking." Confidence ran through him, probably thinking he had caught us. I would never let him catch this. I needed Bella and I did not want to have to deal with Edward taking her away from me, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Why are you jumping to such a sick assumption, Edward? Why would you automatically think the second your wife even talks to another man in private she's having an affair with him? Do you have no trust in Bella? No trust in your brother? I'm just as appalled that you would think that of Bella, that you could think that of me. I love Alice, _she _is my mate. You two used to be the best of friends and I never had suspicions. What is it that you think we're doing?" I then played back in my head to Alice and I making love, but turned Alice into Bella to make the point. I felt horrible putting Bella in Alice's place, Bella deserved such a different touch. A much deeper one than Alice received. "Is that what you want?"

He sunk his head into his hands, "No, no I don't."

"Then stop begging for it, Edward. I'm asking you that you drop this for your wife's sake and for your sake. Alice is the one that see's the future, and she's still not suspicious of us. I think that stands for something." My beautiful wife was definitely hard to stump.

"Yeah." With that he was out of the room and back into his. I could hear Alice and Bella returning inside. Alice's feet bobbing up the stairs, Bella's feet dragging towards her daughter. I internally sighed as Alice gleamed at me when she walked into our room. Before she could even shut the door she had her $500 dollar designer dress on to the floor. I put on a smile and held out my arms as she ran into them and kissed me. It was so hard to ignore the differences in these two women when I was with them. Alice, so sweet and simple. Bella, so twisted and powerful. The whole time I was with Alice that night, I couldn't help but wonder what Bella was doing. I could picture her pretending to sleep like she did that one night, but this time in the comfort of her daughter's light snores and smiles of sleep. I was hoping that she wasn't too upset. I couldn't stand to know that she hurt.

When the day finally broke through, we all got ready for school, and the tension in the air was almost tangible throughout the house. Bella waited for Nessie to wake up before she left her room, and she walked right by Edward into their room, and left the second she was in a different outfit. I didn't know what to say to her, because she ignored me just as much as she did Edward. I was afraid that she had come to the conclusion I had been dreading since all of this started, she was going to tell me we had to stop.

When we got to school, everyone dispersed to get to their classes through the maze of students in the crowded halls. Bella and I were heading in the same direction. She turned around to face me and without as much as a half a second notice, pulled me into a door that was near her and started kissing me ferociously. The smell of the room told me we were in a janitor's closet. "I can't believe we're doing this." She didn't answer me, she just snapped my jeans open and proceeded to travel down and pleasure me in ways only she knew how. I couldn't keep my mind focused on anything that wasn't her and what she was doing, and I was hoping so badly that Bella had blocked my thoughts before she did this. When she knew I was about to finish, she looked up at me and smiled in an almost manic way. She stood back up and started kissing me again and she pulled up her skirt, revealing she had nothing underneath and turned around and I couldn't believe it, I was having sex with Bella in a school with thousands of teenagers and our family maybe a few hallways away. "You didn't plan this, did you?"

She scoffed and turned her head to face me, "No, shut up." Her eyes were in a glaze and I could feel the frustration rolling off of her, so I stopped talking. When the late bell rang, we stopped and with vampire stealth left the room without anyone noticing and headed to our classrooms.

I whispered in her ear, "Can you shield me?"

She smiled softly, much differently than the crazed expression she wore a few minutes before, "Already got you covered."

Bella's POV

I was in a fog the entire school day after the morning rendezvous with Jasper. I pulled him to the side to tell him we couldn't see each other anymore, how did I end up going down on him? I sickened myself by doing what I did, and it didn't help that Jasper kept talking while I was doing it. I didn't want to be reminded it was him that I wanted. I just needed the release of the day before's events, all the events previous to that. I had been holding it all in since the last time I got to _feel_ him. Edward was in my second block, but we didn't talk much. He put his hand on my lower back and for most of the class drew soothing circles there. I felt horrible for treating him the way I had the night before, how could I be angry with him for figuring out the truth? Especially when I made him think he was insane. I lifted my shield, _I'm sorry I freaked out so much last night, I was a little over dramatic._ He turned his face towards me and frowned. _I love you. _He whispered so soft, "I love you too, Bella."

Final block of the day was lunch with the ladies, I sat next to Alice. A part of me wondered if she could smell Jasper on my lips, because I could smell him on hers. Rosalie was braiding Nessie's hair as she ate a salad and did some of her homework while Alice was going over what dresses we were wearing to homecoming. I adamantly declared no dress shopping for me, since I wasn't going. Alice declared that I was, that argument was over. I kept looking for any hint of knowing in her tone or voice, but she was still her bubbly self. Everyone was pretending like last night had never happened, I couldn't tell if I was happy or pissed off with that.

At home, Edward just wanted to lay down with me all day in bed and apologize. I decided I would let him. Give me something new to feel sick about. I was for the most part, ignoring most of the words he was saying. I just listened to them form into a rhythm that was much like a melody. The orchestra was ruined very suddenly by a screeching violin, the note, you might ask? "I talked to Jasper last night. To prove a point on how wrong I was, he imaged himself having sex with you."

I shot up from where I was laying, "He what?" Rage burned red in my vision. Jasper imagined us having sex in front of Edward, he showed Edward our secret moments.

"Well, first he was imagining Alice and him, but he then replaced her with you. I realized how wrong the image looked. I realized that I was a fool right then and there. It looked so horrible having you in his arms. I couldn't picture it." My rage increased. Sure, he hadn't actually shown Edward our private moments. But, Edward thought it so wrong and horrible, that he couldn't see it happen? Didn't he understand how beautiful and perfect it was when I was with Jasper? Of course, he wouldn't. How could he ever picture such an act?

I kissed him tenderly and gave him a soft smile. "Of course, I was made for you." _It's just that I wasn't made only for you,_ I quickly added in my head. I wanted to be lying with Jasper at that moment, hearing him tell me how wrong it was to picture Edward and I together. It had only been a few months, and we had almost gotten caught. We obviously weren't as good at hiding this as we thought. I wondered how long I would have with him before my life, as I knew it, would end.


	6. So, The Truth Comes Out

**A/N: This is a bit shorter than my other chapters, but with good reason, I promise. There just was no other way to end this chapter. Warning: Shit is about to hit the fan.**

Alice was resting her head in Jasper's lap while she was reading _Invisible Monsters. _I lent it to her earlier that week knowing she would find it an interesting topic. I was sitting on the couch opposite of them. Jasper wasn't paying much attention to Alice even though he was playing with her hair. He was staring at me, partially because I was staring at him. I smiled smugly, wondering if at that moment, twisting her spiky locks, if he was thinking about the awesome head I gave him at school the week before. He looked at me as if I were torturing him and I snapped out of my reverie. I didn't want to hurt Jasper, I was already hurting myself. I couldn't believe I had thought about something so miniscule in the grand scheme of my love for him. Why would I bother to care if he was thinking about what I did to him? I wanted to know if he loved me, not what I did. Frustrated, I ran out of the house and back into the spot I found myself in not too long before. It seemed this place would never give me solace, before I could even sit down, Jasper was at my side.

"I'm sorry." What else was I supposed to say to him? I was sorry for so many things, I had a sense that he knew that as well.

"Don't be." A lazy smile crept onto his face as he put an arm over my shoulder and kissed my forehead lightly. Simple gestures like these were my favorite to receive from him. The fact that all he had to do was smile at me or give me a hug to light up my day made it harder to think that I could ever stop loving him. I remembered when loving Edward was the only talent I could possess, when only his smiles could make my problems go away. I had two talents then, and it took two sets of grins to make me feel better because of it.

Jasper always made it seem that our affair hurt him more than anything when we weren't together, but his actions with me made it seem that it was almost easy for him, almost too easy. I think it was because my guilt seemed to fade away when he was there with me, my guilt was always replaced with a temporary happiness. The kind that addicts get from using drugs. I wanted so much from him: I wanted him to love me, I wanted him to understand me. How could he continue to do all of that while still doing the same for Alice? I realized that I really just wanted Edward to understand, I also realized he probably never could. Not in the way Jasper could. The comfort of someone knowing exactly how you feel without trying to protect you from those feelings was indescribable. I knew that Edward would never do that. Jasper never worried if what he said hurt me, he only said how he felt, what was true. I was frail to him, but strong. He didn't try to protect me from the cold, dark world. He knew I was already in it, he was already in it. What harm could it do to admit that?

After awhile of sitting next to each other, admiring the rare sunny day, we decided it would be of good measure to lay down and get a better look at the few clouds that passed.

"You know about the whole water cycle thing, right?"

I tried not to laugh, of course I did. Weren't we taught that in grade school? "Yes, I do."

"I wonder where the water in that cloud has been." He pointed to the fluffiest cloud in the sky.

"Maybe it's from the Red Sea," I offered.

"Maybe it's from the Nile River. I wonder if Cleopatra drank a cup from where that water used to be."

"Are you saying that cloud is the re embodiment of Cleopatra, Jasper?" I turned my head to face him, but he was still staring at the fluffy cloud passing by. I smiled at his content.

"No, but that cloud has water in it that is older than us, older than the oldest vampire, really." He turned to face me and gave me a small smile, "You've got a little something on your cheek." He wiped the dirt that found it's way onto my skin and cupped my face with his hand. "That water will always be there. If not in that cloud, it'll be in the earth, or it'll be in a body of water. It won't ever change out of it's cycle. It's stuck here, for eternity."

"Like we are."

He nodded at my answer and sighed, taking his hand off of my face and placing it in mine before looking back towards the cloud. "Now, maybe I'm a little crazy. But that cloud doesn't seem to mind the fact that it's on a long ride. It just keeps going, adding more and more water onto it until it falls under the weight somewhere else, only to be picked back up again."

"I think we all deserve a chance to fall under our weight."

"We all deserve a chance to get picked back up, we all eventually do." I simply smiled, knowing exactly what he meant. Jasper was my pick-me-up, but he wouldn't always have to be. I couldn't see it then, but I was starting to grasp that sooner or later I would be a part of a "cloud" again. Not the dark cloud hovering over type, no. But, back to being a part of life. It was a possibility, just one that I couldn't quite see yet.

We didn't talk after that, all that we could ever say was said. We both knew that our love couldn't stand the way it was built. Our love did not come out of betrayal or abandonment. I did not come from friendship or hope. It was built on selfishness; it was built on misery. How could it last if our goal was to abolish our selfishness and to look over our misery?

I don't know how long we were there for, it was either for a few minutes or a few hours. But, if I could stay frozen in time anywhere I chose to be, it would there: holding hands with Jasper and staring at the clouds, deciphering where that water might have been before it decided to hover over us.

"Sorry to pull you away from your lovely little clouds, guys, but Bella we've got some shopping for homecoming to do!" I shot up from where I was laying next to Jasper, I was not used to being startled.

"Alice, you scared me!" She smiled, and Jasper lightly chuckled at our exchange. He probably had noticed her coming before I had.

"I knew I would," she winked, "I waited long enough for you two to get back though. At your rate, I was going to have to wait another hour or two so, come on."

I groaned, but I stood up and walked towards her, and her smile gleamed knowing that she could torture me for the next few hours. "Jasper, love, I will see you soon," she called over her shoulder.

A smile grew on his face and he winked, "Don't keep me waiting."

As we pulled up to the mall, Alice decided to tease me. "I've never known it was possible to have a conversation about clouds until now."

"Are you saying clouds are boring, Alice?" I arched an eyebrow at her in mock disappointment.

She pulled into a parking spot and we hopped out of the car and started walking towards the mall. "I'm just saying that only you and Jasper would compare your lives to something so obscure."

"So, you're not mad at us?"

"For what, holding hands and talking about clouds?"

I nodded, "Edward would probably have been hurt."

She rolled her eyes at me as if I had missed something totally obvious, "Bella, I hold your hand, don't I? We talk about things, don't we?" I nodded, she continued. "Exactly, what's the big deal with that? I saw your conversation the second Jasper followed you outside. If I didn't think it was appropriate, I would have stopped it."

"Huh." What else had she seen that she thought was appropriate? What else did she completely look over? Obviously, she still saw her and Jasper together. A part of me wondered how much she knew about Jasper and I. Maybe she didn't know that we were having an affair, but maybe she knew about the emotional one we had. Maybe she knew our love for each other? I was pulled out of that chain of thought by the first scary gown that she showed to me. Three hours later, we agreed on a warehouse dress with a peacock print by Jacquard. Something not so formal, something I could live with.

We didn't talk the car ride home, at all. It was a loaded silence, not a comfortable one: pregnant and palpable. I was wondering if I should say something, wondering if I should ask her what was wrong. What if it was about me?

"There's nothing wrong, Bella." She snapped at me, answering my unspoken question, and then regained her composure with a small smile. "There is nothing to worry about." A part of me was wondering if she was only telling herself that. When we got home, she ran up the stairs into her and Jasper's room and a vicious slap and a shriek echoed through out the house. Everyone looked towards Edward for an answer and he looked back up the stairs. "Jasper has been thinking about talking to Alice about things she doesn't want to." Everyone in the house went back to their business with a hushed "Oh", but I stood next to Edward trying to gauge his reaction to their argument. He didn't seem so upset about it, so I figured it was safe to think it wasn't about me.

"Can I talk to you alone, Bella?" I gulped and nodded and we walked hand in hand too far away from the house for others to hear. "Saying Alice didn't want to hear what he was going to talk about was an understatement."

"What does she not want to hear him say?"

"That she's been avoiding everything Jasper has been trying to tell her for the last few years."

"What do you mean?"

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Alice doesn't like to deal with the past at all, we all know this. She doesn't want to talk to Jasper about anything other than their future. He just wants to acknowledge they also have a past."

I leaned against a small tree nearest to me, "What does this have to do with me?"

"You know how I'm jealous of the fact that you and Jasper have such a connection?"

"Yeah." Connection, connection.

"Well, she kind of loves it, it leaves them to only deal with their now and their future."

"So, she wants me as a substitute for her husband's happiness?" Alice was perfectly content with knowing her husband and I had a deeper connection than they did?

"No, that's not what she sees it as. She sees it as a way for them to be happy with their life. You know her, Bella, she loves him- more than anything."

"Oh.." I looked into his eyes and they were mixed between fear and love.

"I just want you to be happy, too. I want to know that you're happy, Bella." He was waiting for a response, one that I feared I couldn't give. Could I tell him that I was happy? Sure, I had pretended to be, but I never had to say 'I'm happy!' I was happier earlier that day with Jasper though, that happiness was still lingering and tangible.

"Yes, Edward, I'm happy." I put on a smile that reached my eyes and he smiled the same right back.

Jasper was trying to get over his need for me, and it seemed Alice wouldn't let him. Why wouldn't she try to listen? If she knew that was all he wanted, why would she not give it to him? I would always be happy to, yes. But, just as I really wanted Edward to understand, he just wanted Alice to hear him out. A part of me hoped that if Edward knew how unhappy I was, he would at least try to understand, even if he couldn't. Here fate was again, forcing Jasper and I together again. Alice wouldn't hear Jasper out, I wouldn't give Edward the chance to. We were building ourselves a coffin, getting ready more and more each day to dig ourselves six feet under the ground. We had our eulogies already written to the t, we were just waiting for everyone else to admit the funeral had started.

Jasper's POV:

I was shirtless, staring at myself in the mirror. Even to my eyes, my scars seemed to just morph into one. There was no scar in specific to focus on, it was overwhelming. I never grew used to them. I knew it was impossible for me to just give up on the attention Bella was giving me, but I also knew that I just wanted it from Alice. I wanted to stop running away from what was bothering me, I wanted to deal with everything I put myself into. I decided I was going to tell Alice what I felt we were missing in our relationship, I was going to make her listen to me. After realizing what I was going to say to her, I just stood next to the door waiting, until I was greeted with a sharp smack on the face and the shrill that was my wife's screams.

"There is nothing missing with us!" She was so small and beautiful, even when her face was contorted in anger. I couldn't even be angry with her, I could never be.

"Yes, there is." I said the words slow and deliberately, never losing my calm. We couldn't afford me losing my cool. I could feel her anger and denial washing off of her and slamming their waves into me, it wasn't helping the situation.

"No, Jasper, everything's fine. There is nothing to talk about."

"Can you at least calm down?" I tried to send her calming waves, but she was far too upset for it to work. After a few minutes of her fury burning, she calmed down.

"I just haven't been happy lately, Alice."

She rolled her eyes and fell onto our bed with her hands covering her face, "Why not?" The words were croaked.

"Because you don't want to talk about anything that bothers me."

"Yes, I do. You're always worried that you might lose your control in school. I always look out for it to let you know that things will be okay."

"But what does that have to deal with, Alice? My future or my past?"

She sat up from the bed and patted the comforter for me to sit next to her.

"Both, if you ask me. What does it matter, you know that I love you, don't you? You know that you are my everything." Her beautiful smile reached her face again and she playfully put her fingers through my hair.

"That isn't enough though, Alice." Her smile was cut short and she pulled her hand away from my face.

"What else do you need?"

"You to care if I'm hurting or not."

Her fury and denial were coming at me like darts as she stood up from the bed and began to raise her voice again, "I do care, I just don't know how to help!"

"Why don't you just ask me what's wrong?" I sat up from the bed and put my arms around her small frame and kissed her slope nose, and I could feel where her tears should have been flowing. She did care, I had known that. She was a beautiful person that cared nothing more than for the ones she loved. Everyone has their selfish qualities. Could I really blame her for hers when I was sleeping with someone she considered her sister? I was proving myself selfish by loving another woman, as if Alice wasn't enough. Could I be so upset with the fact that she had been avoiding everything I worried over when I was helping Bella do the same to Edward? All I was doing for Bella was helping her to avoid her problems, just as Alice was doing with ours.

I remembered then a time not so long before when everyone was so happy, so joyous. I could never be upset because the world around me was only positive. Our family was finally complete. When I looked back on the southern wars and everything else that had to do with that part of my life, for the first time, I treated it as if it was someone that really wasn't me, someone more or less that I used to be. When, very suddenly, such negative emotions enveloped me, all of my insecurities came back. Bella and I became one in our misery, and it was comforting to know I wasn't the only one that felt so much shame. I didn't realize until then that I just wanted Alice to know that I felt that way. It wasn't until then that I knew I wanted her to try and change those things.

She dimly smiled looking up towards me and on her tippy-toes kissed me softly. The mood of the house had changed back to the steady calm almost at the same time we both became occupied in each other's arms. Her trembling subsided and I felt like the world wasn't going to be so difficult for us anymore.

"What is wrong with us? We used to be so happy, you used to be so happy. Why can't things be the way they should?" She asked me sullenly.

"Since when are things ever the way they should be?"

"They are when you're smiling, when you're coming, or when you're looking at those unrealistically beautiful clouds."

"Ever heard at laughing at your demise? Smiling at the ruins?"

"That's an evil no one should have to deal with. Too much of you has been spent on that."

"I know, I guess the past is just catching up with me."

Almost as if my words had triggered some memory, she paused and took her face away from mine and onto the planes of my chest. As she stood in front of me, she traced my scars with her hands and she kissed them after her fingers left the spot. She spoke so sweet and quiet, "I saw that you liked it when she touched you like this. Is that what you want from me? I love them, too, you know. Every part of you."

I froze. Time held no meaning. At that moment, not one thought could pull itself into my head other than, "What?"

She smiled sadly and looked down at her feet, "I know about everything, Jasper. I've known for quite some time." Those simple words were uttered and I had no clue how I was supposed to stand in front of her any longer, how she would want to stand in front of me. So, I ran.


	7. Ares vs Adonis?

**A/N: This was probably one of the hardest chapters for me to write, I worked extra hard on it. Especially Jasper's reaction to the situation. He's always so composed and put together, I wanted to see him in weakness. I hope you guys enjoy it. Next Chapter, is 100% Jasper's POV. J'adore reviews!**

I walked away from Edward with a swift kiss and back to the spot in the woods that was mine, but never really was. I saw Jasper standing there, visibly shaking. His eyes were crazed and they only seemed to get worse when he looked at me. "Jasper, what's wro-"

He cut me off with a sudden grasp at my shoulders and he shook me so hard I knew that he would have snapped my neck if I were human.  
"She knows, Bella, she knows!" He stammered the words and lost his grip and fell onto his knees in front of me. I would have fallen too, but shock froze me still. Alice knew?  
Finally I found words, "What?" Okay, I found a word. But it was all I needed to say. It was all I could say.  
"She knows about everything. Every touch, she's known about, Bella. What am I supposed to do, what are we supposed to do?"  
I fell to the ground with him, grabbing his face, forcing him to look me dead in the eyes. "How do you know this?"  
His eyes fell back to the ground and he put his hands over top of mine. "She told me. No, she not only told me. She asked me if I wanted her to touch me like you do." His voice broke on the last word. He was sobbing, I had never once seen or even heard of Jasper crying. He was my Ares, god of war. He was a soldier, and soldier's didn't cry. But at that moment, nothing was left of that warrior. He was just a man breaking down in front of me.  
It wasn't until then I realized how many times I had referred to Edward as my personal Adonis. It also occurred to me that Ares killed Adonis in the end for his love of Aphrodite and jealousy of their relationship. I knew that he would never do that, because he had another love. I knew I would never want him to. He had his own Aphrodite, and I was taking him away from her. I made sure I felt all I could to reel Jasper back in. I showed him my love, my compassion, my need, but most importantly, I showed him my resolve. My need and resolve were battling each other for dominance, and Jasper looked me in the eyes again, "You realize what else this means right?"  
Recognition flew between both our eyes and in unison we whispered, "Edward." I sighed unnecessarily and rested my forehead on his, his actions mirrored mine. Edward not only knew, but he had known. Maybe he had seen some vision of Alice's that told him I would truly be happy with him soon, otherwise why would he have asked me if I was happy so suddenly earlier? Was he trying to just get me to tell him my problems on my own?  
"Jasper…" I breathed, letting my need for him overwhelm the both of us. I pulled his face back into mine. I kissed him like I never had before, and he kissed me like he never would again. It was true, I probably would never kiss him again. With a growl he pushed me onto the forest floor and kissed me even harder. This was our last chance to love each other. Our last chance to run away from our problems. I had never felt his touches in the way I did right at that moment. Everything was amplified, more intense. Mind blowing love that I knew was never meant to last, never even meant to be. I had never wanted something so bad in my short life. I feared I never would want something as much ever again for the eternity I had to remain. He was projecting every emotion he felt towards me with each kiss and movement of our bodies intertwined. He sent anger, love, want, sadness, and as we grew to our finish, he sent mostly resolution. This was it, this was our last good bye. And even if it wasn't, we would never have one quite like this. We laid next to each other, gasping for breaths we really didn't need, holding each other's hand. "I love you."  
"I love you too. So much, Isabella."  
I knew that if I had tears to shed they would have been pouring off of my face. I would never get to touch him in the way I just had ever again. "I'm going to miss you."  
"I already do."  
I turned to face him, "Where do we go from here?"  
"I think we both know the answer to that."  
I ran away after the words were said to the house. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to Edward, but I figured I shouldn't wait around. Instead, I ran into Alice on my way up to my room. She gave me a small smile and pulled me into her's, I said nothing as she did this. Only staring at her with horror in my eyes, I knew she could smell her husband all over me. I was a stone in front of her, she sat us on the bed and tilted my face to look at her.  
"I forgive you, Bella." The first words she told me after I found out she knew of my affair is "I forgive you." Did she not see what I had just done not even five minutes before? I couldn't speak to her, I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I had just gotten caught loving her husband. I found some words, I hated that they were the first to be found.  
"How long have you known?" I looked away from her stare to the carpet that had just made itself a lot more interesting. She sighed deeply, and her breath hitched. She had been crying. "Awhile, a long time." From the corner of my eye, I saw she was still looking directly at the side of my face. "Since the time Jasper came over to your cottage and tried to end it. It didn't take me long to figure out why you had burned the lingerie, or why I always saw you crying randomly through out the day. Except, I always had visions of you doing that before this all happened. You just seemed to get worse. Except when I had visions of you two together. You both seemed happy in those moments. And then Jasper would come back to me, I could see the hurt in his eyes. I tried to ignore it. I just wanted him to be happy. I just wanted my best friend to be happy."  
I started crying, just as Jasper had before. And she kissed my nose and grabbed me closer. She was comforting me. The woman who I had betrayed was telling me it was going to be okay. I laughed in small hysterics at the situation in between sobs. Mocking myself at how pathetic I was being.  
"I'm guessing Edward knows?" She didn't say anything, her breath just hitched some more as she pressed her face into my hair. I took that as a yes. "I'm sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry."  
"I love you, alright?"  
I simply nodded, I knew that she did. She was proving it. I brokenly responded that I loved her too. She explained that her and Edward hadn't talked about our affair together, she just had a couple of her visions near him and couldn't hide it. She said he didn't have any reactions, not even the first time. He just would stare at Alice and then go back to what he was doing before. I didn't understand why he would do nothing about it. I realized quite a few times he tried to ask me what was going on. How easily he backed down afterward. Why would he let this go on? Why would my husband let another touch my body? Edward was always protective and possessive, saving me from hurting myself if he had to. But, he also would do anything to make me happy. He would give everything up if it meant for my happiness, and he called me the martyr.  
"I-I think I should go talk to…" I couldn't finish the sentence and I couldn't look at her. But I gave her a hug and walked towards my room. I stood in front of the door, and I could hear him humming to himself, listening to his iPod with headphones. His fingers were thrumming on his chest, and he was kicking his feet back and forth slightly, I could hear the swoosh of his shoes hitting the air and the slight thump of his fingers hitting the marble chest of his. They made the rhythm for my anxiety, because they marked the picture of ease for him. Did he not know that I was coming to talk to him? Could he not hear my unnecessary labored breathing hitting the door? I held my breath as I slowly opened the door and crept into our room. He barely noticed me, only peeking under his left eye lid for a moment before closing it again and going back into his rhythm of relaxation. I didn't care that I reeked of Jasper, I didn't care that there was a hint of Alice on my clothing. I realized I just had to get it done.  
"Edward." It came out only half as broken as I figured it would. It sparked hope in me that I could get through it. But, what was I supposed to say to him exactly? I felt like I was on a stage in front of a vast audience about to tell my deepest secrets. He took his head phones off and the whispers of the music might as well have been screaming at me. A crowd booing me off stage. And as he sat up, the bed creaked slightly, echoing the faint sound of crickets. His eyes locked with mine and we stared at each other for what seemed like eternity until I fell under the pressure and onto the ground.  
I wailed at the foot of our bed and Edward picked me up and nuzzled me into his chest. You would think that it'd be easier to stop crying if there weren't actual tears escaping your eyes, but it only seemed to make it worse. My chest still heaved and my breathing still came in awkward broken intervals of escape. My heart seemed to burn just as badly as it did when I was crying as a human, and my eyes still burned as if the salt from my tears were drying them out. All of that happened, but with out the physical relief of tears to make it seem almost better, with out the fatigue that crying brings that finally ends the pain. Although Edward was rocking me back and forth and gently playing with my hair, pushing it out of my face, he was not cooing me with sweet nothings or asking me what was wrong. I had a feeling it was because he knew all too well what was.  
But, he was still cradling me, and kissing my hair. He was doing all of this even though the smell of Jasper was seeped deep into my skin as if he were still on top of me. I realized then just how in love with Edward I truly was. He was selfless and pure and honest and outrageously understanding. He gave me his all, and I always left him with nothing. I decided no words could express the debt I felt towards my husband. The realization of the mistake. My love for him. So, I didn't speak- I lifted my shield and just let everything flow. Edward stiffened under me as he watched my thoughts and memories. I didn't look at him as I played over every feeling and memory I had had since our wedding, since the first night with Jasper. I knew it would hurt him to see it through my eyes of my love for Jasper, but I wanted to be as honest as possible. I wanted him to know everything that I had put myself into. I showed him the disgust I had in myself when we had made love when he misconstrued my lust for him. I showed him the hurt I felt when he comforted me the night I cried in the shower. I showed him the ultimate despair that seemed to hang over my head at all times. I showed him the love I felt for him, the love I felt for our future, the sorrow and sadness of having to face my fears with him. The resolution of knowing I had to and wanted to ultimately. I hung over around the thoughts of hoping he'd forgive me, of telling myself I'd never do it again, of settling on the original love I had for Jasper, as a friend. Because I honestly knew that I could never stop loving him. I could only grow to love him in a more appropriate way. I showed him my fear that all trust was lost in myself and Jasper. Worrying over if we weren't ever supposed to talk again. Or to always keep our distance. That is when Edward spoke for the first time since I had entered our room.  
"Bella, I forgive you. I forgave you the second you did it. I forgave you every time you did it. I love you. And, I know that this isn't something you planned on or wanted to happen. There isn't any doubt that you and Jasper are great friends. I don't think Alice or I are going to stop that. I just want you to know that I love you in every decision you make. I just wish that you could be more honest with me. I know you're worried I'll break down if you tell me the truth. But, tell me how this is any better? Not to mention, I think I've been dealing with this ordeal pretty well…" He let out a slight, mocking chuckle. I could tell he was only laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. You know what they say, "laughter is the best medicine."  
"Too soon." I smiled, though, and he did too.  
"Too soon," he agreed.  
"I really don't think I can say anything else other than that I love you and that I'm sorry and I'll do anything it takes to earn your trust back. Anything to make you feel whole again. I took away your happiness trying to find mine."  
The smile dropped from his lips and a look of confusion swept over his face. "I do have a question for you." He hesitated for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as if trying to find the right words to speak. I nodded my head for him to continue but he still repeated the gesture a few times before finally spilling it out. "I understand the mental connection and draw to him. I do. But, I-" he fell silent again.  
"Edward, just say it."  
"Why are you so physically attracted to him? Does he do things to you I can't or do you not find me sexually appealing any more?"  
I laughed lightly at his insecurities and kissed him. He thought the reason I was attracted to Jasper was because he was better looking? He truly had no idea the beauty he had. "No one is more beautiful than you, Edward. That's exactly what attracted me to him. Flaws. Something you just don't have. You're proving that right now." I rolled my eyes and smacked him lightly on the forehead. He was so loving and caring. Never putting me at fault for anything. Always putting the blame on himself.  
"Do you want me to be mad at you?" I could tell he meant it as a joke, but there was a serious notion to it.  
"No, Edward. I do not. I wouldn't mind you being upset with me though. Telling me I'm a lowly being or that I don't deserve you."  
He smiled softly and put his lips to my forehead in the slowest, most delicate movement. "How could I ever tell the reason I exist she doesn't deserve me, when I just never have deserved her?" I remembered then about mine and Jasper's conversations over the clouds that hung over our heads that were so much a part of life. When Edward spoke those sweet, but indefinitely wrong words, I felt like gravity was pulling me back up from the ground and into that cloud that was life. All it took was Edwards loving words to get me back out of the hell I put myself in. Well, at least half way there. It was Edward's loving embrace and kisses that made me realize how much I needed him. I understood then that he could understand my problems if I would just let him try. Jasper was so right, in the end I was going to be picked up into the cloud. It just wasn't going to be by Jasper.  
I sat in Edward's arms telling him about everything I felt about myself. How upset I got when I looked in the mirror and tried my hardest to see a part of me change. I made sure that I told him over and over that I didn't regret my choice, I told him I wouldn't go back in time if I could and stay human. I made sure he understood that my love for him outweighed my depression. That it was just something I wasn't expecting. I was only expecting my life to be perfect, with never a depressing moment. I told him of the shock I had when I realized that I was making my life miserable just to feel something. How hard it was to go back to the macab way of normalcy when I just craved something much different. I even mentioned how I never really told Jasper in detail what was wrong with my life, just as he didn't with his. It seemed everything about us was a secret, even the reasons behind what we were doing.  
"So….how much did Alice see in her visions?" I really didn't want to ask, but it just seemed like something I had to know. Guilt twinged inside of me as I saw his reaction to my question.  
"Enough, Alice would only get a second of each moment you two had together. We never got the details. I'm guessing it was because you guys did everything on a whim…"  
I breathed in and out slowly, feeling all of the air sit in my lungs and escape through my lips. "Yeah. I'm sorry you had to see anything."  
"The hardest part was feeling what you two were feeling for each other when you weren't shielding Jasper. It wasn't lust, it was pure need…love." I understood. I think it would be easier to write something off when there were no feelings behind an affair, but to know that your wife loved another was something totally different.  
"I'm sorry." It was a whisper, but it rang through out the room. I sat in his arms for another hour, still talking over everything that had happened and each time I told him what upset me, he kissed my hair. It brought back that temporary happiness that I got when Jasper would do the same to me. Except, I was actually talking about what upset me. Edward surprised me though, he never said aloud that he was all to blame. He wouldn't let me take all of it either, but he never once said it was his fault. Which was the main thing I feared, the reason I never told him. I didn't want him to cry in wails, "I am the reason for all of this!"  
"I'm going to go talk to Alice some more." He simply nodded and as I went out of our room, I saw Alice sitting in our floor's living room with her head in her hands gently sobbing. I ran to her and wrapped her in my arms, trying not to cry at my best friend's hysterics.  
"He-he-he's gone, Bella."  
"Who is?"  
"Jasper."  
"Oh.." She continued to cry, but as her chest started to go back into easy intervals of breathing she explained further.  
"He ran a few minutes after you left him, he's already pretty far. He hasn't made a decision though, I don't know if he's staying away for awhile, or if he's coming back soon. I don't even know if he's coming back at all."  
I took her face into my hands and told her sternly, "Jasper will never leave you, Alice. He's going to come back. You don't need a vision to know that." I pulled her into a tight embrace after that and after she stopped crying, we sat and watched a few movies with Rosalie and Nessie downstairs. It shocked me when I realized that it was only 8 o'clock at night, it had been such a long day, an emotionally draining day. I thought about asking Alice if the family knew what was going on with us. Before I could get the words out, she looked over to me and shook her head "no." And almost as if the action called upon Rosalie, she asked, "Hey, where's Jasper?"  
Alice looked over to me and I simply shrugged my shoulders. She took a deep breath and in a rather tight voice through clenched teeth spoke. "I don't really know."


	8. Letting It All Out

**A/N: This is a break to the short chapters and a huge Jasper POV, holla! Tell me what you think, it's a lot different than than the rest of the chapters. ALLONS-Y!**

"I think we both know the answer to that." I stated it as if it was truth, but to be honest, I hadn't a clue what we were supposed to do. As soon as the words rolled off of my tongue, she ran to the house full speed. What she was supposed to do seemed obvious to her. She was going to confront her husband, but I wasn't ready to do that quite yet. My wife had touched me just as Bella always had. She had seen me worship her best friend's body as if it were a gift from god. Guilt surged through me as I thought back to the events that had just occurred. I had never felt so powerless over my emotions, let alone another's. Instead of manipulating them as I always had, I was letting them manipulate me.

Her mouth had never tasted sweeter, her touch had never been more inviting. I realized then how much I had let myself get involved with her and anger seeped through me onto her, but she paid it no mind. She knew it was only placed on the situation and myself, never ever her. I knew I could never touch her again, not the way I was at that moment. The only emotion that she had that left me a little shocked was her resolve. It was strong and sure. The stronger it became the more the emotion became mine. I knew I didn't need her in the way I had before. Want? That was beyond debatable. But I knew I needed Alice, above all.

I watched the burnt colored leaves fall down from the tree above, showered with shades of red, orange, and gold. I never realized how fast the fall had come until then. Speckles of sunlight that made it through the tree warmed my face with a little less intensity it would have the month before, as if to mock me for not noticing the change. The fall had come, and it disturbed me, because more than the season had changed. I was falling as well. I wanted to run from it's beauty, I needed to run from hers.

I had been running from every problem I had along with Bella. And now I was running away literally from the very sight of her, of my wife. I had no idea to where I was running, I just knew that I couldn't stop. After a few hours, the sun was starting to pick up and I could tell it was going to be a bright day. Even though I was pretty deep into the forest, I didn't want to risk a hiker that got off trail seeing a sparkling Jasper running at a leisurely sixty miles an hour. Yeah, didn't sound like a good idea, but neither did stopping. It kept me from thinking, only processing images that passed.

Logic won over and I soon stopped once I found a small cave. It was then that I started to wonder where I actually was, somewhere north west, for sure. I took an unnecessary breath in and relished in the aroma of the forest. Pine, oak, and dead leaves. I could hear water babble over small rocks, the wind rustling fallen leaves, and animals crushing said leaves as they lazily passed over them.

Suddenly, the fall didn't seem so scary or horrible anymore. The darkness of the cave didn't seem so gloomy. For two days, I sat in that cave. Trying to figure out how everything happened. My daydreams fighting between Alice and Bella's face. I couldn't figure out where to place them. I tried to remember how this all started. I met Bella, I wanted her dead. I wanted her dead for almost revealing our secrets because of my brother's sick love for her. I learned to admire her from a distance and exchanged pleasantries with her. But, still I knew nothing of her then. We weren't friends, just extended awkward family. And then, I even tried to drain her. I attacked her and had never felt so pathetic in my life. I heard her in the house talking to Alice, Carlisle bandaging her up, asking how I was. She told her she wasn't mad at me, to make sure I knew it. That it wasn't my fault.. I laughed bitterly at that moment, but when Alice came down to reiterate it, not quite sure if I had heard her, I realized the sincerity in Bella's words.

I never even got to see her after that and that is when I fell in love with her for the first time. When we came back, I loved her even more for saving my brother from himself. And when she gave up everything she knew for her expecting child and for her husband, I fell in love with her all over again. And when she toughed out being in the same room as her dad as a new born, I fell in love with her strength. And when she was radiating in happiness at her perfect life, that is when she became my best friend, and I fell in love with her aura. And when she began to fall apart, when she began to break. That is when I fell in love with her so deeply that words and simple gestures could no longer express it. Only touches I should have never shared. But watching the most beautiful, strong woman break down is hard, especially when you know you're the only that can even see it.

After playing back these memories and trying to decide how to work it all back, I was interrupted by heartbeats that definitely did not belong to an animal. They belonged to humans, two to be exact. They were approaching the cave and I was getting nervous as my throat started to burn and venom pooled in my mouth. Apprehension flowed through me as I tried to decide what to do. The animal inside told me just to kill them and drain them dry. The sane part told me to hide deeper in the cave and just wait for them leave. But, as I heard their voices and felt their emotions another idea rang in my mind.

Giddiness, euphoria, slight confusion, disorientation, mania, and some lethargy filled the two approaching.

"Derrick, come on, let's chill in that cave and relax, I can't walk anymore."

"Shut up, man. There could be a bear in there or something."

I chuckled lightly at the statement. Surely, I was scarier than any bear they would meet. The intake of air scorched my throat and it stopped my laughter immediately. But, I let the confusion and giddiness envelop me, and I almost felt as drunk as the two teens obviously were. Where had youth gone? Drunk at noon? Whatever the case, the light feelings they were omitting relaxed me from the sorrow I was engulfed in. The fire in my throat turned into a dull ache, just a sore throat.

"I seriously doubt there's a bear in there, you're just paranoid."

"Fine, Chail. You go in first."

I held my breath and pretended to sleep on the side of a rock as I heard the kid called Chail come in. Shock rocked through him as he took me in and I could feel a flashlight on my face.

"Dude, there's a hobo in here or something." My mouth pulled up into a slight smile. I heard feet shuffle over to me and then another set, whom I could only guess to be Derrick's.

"Hey, man. Wake up." Derrick pushed against my arm and I lazily opened up my eyes, pretending to rub some sleep off of me. They were both fairly skinny and pale, even by vampire standards. One had long blond, curly hair with a flannel and tight jeans, and a 40 in his hand. While the other had cropped black hair and gauges with a cigarette behind his ear and a flask under his arm. They didn't say anything to me, but they sat down in front of me and we all just kind of stared at each other. I realized then that I probably looked a bit crazy. I put my hands through my hair and a few leaves fell out and I realized that my clothes were kind of dirty. That's when Chail, the blond one, spoke up for the first time.

"You okay, man?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I realized that their feelings of disorientation were starting to hit me hard, and I could barely remember why I was there in the first place. But, then I remembered full well and I groaned outwardly.

Derrick whispered to Chail, "He must be fucked up." After that, Derrick spoke up, "What's your name?"

Without thinking, I spat out my name like an expletive, "Jasper." They introduced themselves after that, and then silence took over as they stared at me for a few more minutes.

"Want some?" Chail asked me, handing me a forty. I just smiled and decided to take it and pretend to take a swig. When I handed it back he just finished it off, not even noticing that I didn't even take anything out of it. After some more pleasantries, I found myself listening to their life stories, and actually caring. I had never even had a real, honest conversation with a human other than Bella, and she wasn't even one anymore. I had no clue as to why I felt comfortable around these obvious screw ups that were easily 140 years younger than me. And yet, their stories seemed interesting. Maybe it was only the fact that I was depressed and lonely and feeling all the things that come with being wasted, but I ooohed and ahhhd at all the right parts and even asked a few questions.

Chail was a 19 year old high school drop out who hated his father because, "he is a cheater who likes to tell war stories," and hated his mom because, "she is a passive aggressive bitch who doesn't respect my privacy." His older sister died at the age of 18, he was only 10. She overdosed on heroin, which was his drug of choice. He complained how his mother thought that he was going to mess up just like his sister had. He said that he wasn't as dumb as his sister, and that she was just a stupid bitch. But, as he talked about her, his emotions clearly reflected that he missed his sister and hated himself for being just like her and not learning from her mistake. He worked at a grocery store across town and lived with his girlfriend. He spent the days he had off doing everything he was doing now, getting messed up.

Derrick was 17 and just skipped school a lot. He wished he had parents to hate, but they were long gone. He knew nothing about his father, and his mother left town when he was 12 and left him with his grandmother. He talked about how upset he was for treating his grandma the way he did, always making her worried about where he was and who he was with and if he was going to come home this time. But, he also talked about how he just couldn't help it, and something about the apple not falling far from the tree. His ex girlfriend was pregnant with his kid, but she got an abortion. That freaked him out and he broke up with her. He teared up a little talking about his unborn child. He talked about how he would have quit drugs and everything just to hold the baby, that he would have taken care of it if she didn't want it.

After awhile I just didn't know what to say, and I stared. I had completely forgotten about how ruined human lives could be. I forgot that people have problems that actually are a little bit bigger than mine at the moment. So, when Chail asked me my life story, I just laughed a little. To which he responded, "Come on, lets hear it."

I took a breath in and as fast as the burn came, I took in more of their euphoria and it went away. I decided I would edit my life story pretty down, but keep it pretty truthful. "A few years back, I got into a, um, pretty bad crowd of people when I met this girl Maria. She took me away from everything I had ever known from life and taught me what greed was and that friendships didn't exist, only alliances. After awhile of it, I forgot there was another way of life other than the…hustling I had been doing for so long. Eventually, I left the _gang_ I was affiliated with and just kind of walked the country like a plague."

"Gang? Seriously, you don't look like a kid in a gang," Derrick laughed.

"I can be pretty dangerous," I retorted, and then continued into my story. "Well, I some how ended up in Philadelphia. And I didn't have a place to go to, so I was just walking around the streets until it started raining. I didn't really mind the rain, and I didn't have any money, but for some reason, I just walked into this bar. And all of a sudden, this beautiful girl strolls up to me and smiles all big. And you know what she said to me?" I paused for a minute and smiled. "She said, 'You've kept me waiting a long time.' and I just, like a dumb ass, say that I'm sorry. I had never felt perfect before that moment. And Alice tried her damned hardest to fix me, told me about these people that took in troubled teens and that we could go live there. And I followed her to the magical house she spoke of. And it was exactly how she said it would be. There were three other kids living there, too. Two of them were dating, just like we were. Rosalie and Emmett. (why was I telling them my family's names?) But there was also, Edward. And we were just one big happy family. My adoptive parents, Carlisle and Esme, were patient with all of our problems. Rosalie was pretty upset about the way her life had turned out, Emmett was just a hard ass, and Edward was the broody type, Alice….well, most people thought that she was insane because she had an uncanny way of um, seeing the future-"

"You're saying your girl is a psychic?" Derrick cut me off.

"Um, yeah. She's been in a psych ward for the first part of her life, but she doesn't really remember it."

"You're serious. She can see the future?" I just nodded and then Chail interjected.

"That's cool as shit."

I smiled some more, "Yeah, so Alice was probably the easiest to deal with because she didn't really do anything horrible. But, me? I was the biggest job to deal with in that house. And they always had to make sure that I wouldn't…relapse more than anyone and Alice always looked out for me. And if it got too hard for me, they let me just sit it out and not really have to be a part of life. Well, then Edward starts dating this girl, Bella. And he's absolutely in love with her. But, my family kind of freaks out for the most part. Because, we kind of stick to the family. We don't really hang out with others. Carlisle was happy for him, so was Esme. But me and Rosalie worried about Edward getting hurt." I laughed at that, and the two teens kind of looked at me funny, but didn't interrupt. "But, over time she proved to be worth his time and we got used to having her around a lot. Until her 18th birthday. Some stuff happened and I ruined her party by almost relapsing, and Edward got upset about it and we moved to restart, leaving Bella. Romeo and Juliet style, he thinks she killed herself, but really she just cliff dived, not dive unto her death. So, he goes and tries to kill himself but Bella finds him before he gets the chance. And they're all perfect, and life is perfect and they get married right after they graduate and she moves in with the whole big lot of our family and she has a baby and we become best friends. We hung out a lot and shared jokes and passed times until she started changing. No one noticed it but me, but she was really depressed and so I kind of ignored her. Because, I didn't want to see it and accidentally say something to Edward. Because, she was acting like life was still great around everyone, you know? And then one day she tells me how depressed she is, and I realize I am too. And out of nowhere, I go from consoling her to having sex with her. Every chance after that, we were running away with each other. And I wanted to stop, so I decided I was going to tell Alice all of the problems I think we have in our relationship, and we get into a fight. And then she tells me she knows about me and Bella. And so does Edward. She didn't even say it like she was mad, she just said it like it was just a fact, a little sad, but not upset. I just left the house and when I was outside, Bella came to me and I told her that they know and somehow we just have sex outside right then and there and she leaves to go confront her husband, and I leave. And here I am."

Silence took over, and I absorbed their emotions, which were mostly shock. Chail coughed.

"Dude, that's shit."

Derrick replied, "Yeah."

"How long have you been out here?"

"Two days, what state am I in anyways?"

"Um, North Dakota…Where are you from?"

"We're in West Virginia right now. I just kind of hitchhiked here with out really asking where I was heading."

More silence, I realized I probably sounded completely crazy, until Chail started laughing at his own joke. "What?" I asked.

"You take running away from your problems pretty seriously don't you?" Derrick started laughing with him, and soon I found myself too. My throat, though was starting to burn , even if I absorbed their emotions. I realized then that sun was starting to go down, it was probably five thirty. Their highs were coming down, and as a result so was mine. So, I stopped laughing, but kept the smile on my face. I couldn't help but to be how proud I felt in that moment, of myself. Not only had I sat in a closed space with two humans for hours on end, I had talked to them and opened up to them, and listened to their stories.

Derrick pulled me out of my reverie, "So, what are you going to do?" I tried not to inhale more air than necessary and shook my head.

"I have no idea."

"Do you love Alice?" Chail asked me the question, but I had a feeling he knew the answer.

"More than anything."

"More than Bella?" He added.

I answered in a low whisper, almost too low for them to hear, "Yes."

"Then, I think you have your answer. You need to go back to your girl and work things out. She definitely seems like she's not going to leave you especially if she knew the whole time."

"But, when I go back. I'll have to face Bella…and Edward. My feelings for Bella haven't changed and yet I'll still be living with her. Just a hall away. She probably will just ignore me, completely forget that we were best friends before all of this mess. And Edward, he has been my brother, I can't imagine what I have done to him."

Silence took over again, Derrick was calculating and reasoning for a few minutes, and then he spoke up. "Jasper, how old are you?"

I decided saying 17 would seem a bit ridiculous, being that I had just told them all of that. So I opted for the age I left Forks being, "Twenty Four."

Derrick nodded and continued, "I think that after all you have been through, all the times you've shared with your family, they have already forgiven you. I have a feeling the only person left to forgive you is yourself. " Conviction ran through him and Chail as he said those words, and I hoped that maybe it would effect me just as strong as it had them.

"I guess, that just seems easier said than done. But, I know it has to be."

Chail interjected, "What do you think she's doing right now, Alice, I mean?"

"Don't laugh-she really is a psychic. She's probably trying to see my future, and if I'm coming home."

Slight laughter still filled the cave, and I couldn't help the twitch my lips, pulling my mouth at the corners into a bright smile. "Shut up," I jokingly spat.

"Okay, so seeing the future or not, she is still worried about where you are. With all rights, too. How the hell did you end up all the way out here, I'll never know. But, I bet you're starving, exhausted, and need a bath. So, I think you should go home."

"Exhausted? Not really. But, Starving.." I laughed a bit at that. "I should probably get going." As I sat up, Derrick and Chail did too. I went to shake Chail's hand, but he wouldn't have any of it. He pulled me into a tight, for him, hug and I hugged him back, but held my breath. My throat was scorching, and I hoped they didn't notice that the color of my eyes had changed and that I was swallowing the ridiculous amounts of venom that were pooling in my mouth. I hugged Derrick the same before we all walked out of the cave. As soon as they were out of view, I ran and ran and ran back in the direction of my home. The smell of a few deer came by and I gratefully gorged myself on all four of them, feeling the burn in my throat cool down.

Once I came into West Virginia, I decided that Alice probably wouldn't want to see me looking as disheveled as I did. And then I realized the date. Homecoming dance would be that night. I went into a men's boutique and couldn't help but chuckle at the salesmen's shock at seeing my appearance in this store. But, when I asked to look at their Armani and YSL suits, he quickly became overly helpful and told me to stick with Armani. After buying the suit, I excused myself into the bathroom and threw my other clothes into the trash, and washed the dirt off of my face and hands. Luckily, my hair wasn't matted or anything and a few finger brushes made it look presentable, maybe even to Alice's standards. I walked around the streets until I came across a taxi, and I decided to take it home. As the cab driver got closer and closer to my house, I couldn't help but feel all of my nerves exploding in my chest, and I wondered if I was going to actually barf. I knew Alice saw me coming, but would I be welcomed or told to go back to where ever I came from? I knew the answer to that, but I still couldn't stop worrying. I told the cab driver to stop right when he entered the woods to the entrance of my home and payed him plus a good tip. When I got out, I just stared at the walk that felt like it was to my execution. I sighed deeply, putting my hands in my pockets as I started my walk. When I registered Alice's sweet scent, I couldn't help but feel a little bit better. I walked at a leisurely pace, in no need of hurrying. When I reached the front porch steps, my sweet Alice opened the door smiling, radiantly. She had on the most beautiful red dress with a sweetheart neck line that ended at her knees, it wasn't the one that she had picked out when she went shopping with Bella. I saw it in the bag in the middle of our argument.

"I had to buy a new dress to match you, because I knew you would be getting a red tie." I simply smiled and pulled out the corsage I had picked up. She held out her hand so delicately, and it fit perfectly in mine. I put it around her wrist and kissed her knuckles. She was looking up at me, as if I were something out of her dreams. I realized that I once was, and I hoped I still could be.

"Welcome home," she whispered through her smile onto my neck as she wrapped her arms around me, I bent down lower to grant her request, and her lips had never felt so pure against mine. She was shaking in silent sobs, her emotions told me of joy. She was shaking so forcefully that it shook me, and soon became my own happy sobs.

"I love you, Alice. So much," I whispered.

"I know, Jaz. I love you too." Her lips were still planted on mine, so our words came out a little bit jumbled.

"I'm sorry. So, so sorry."

"Shh. I forgive you. It's okay. For everything, even running away from me," she laughed it against my lips as if it were nothing. I realized to her, it probably was, for sure she could already see our future, she obviously was happy with it. "And I'm so proud of you."

"For what?"

"Derrick and Chail. You amaze me sometimes. I knew you could do it." She parted away from me and grabbed my hand, while her other hand was occupied cupping my cheek, "Come on inside, everyone's missed you dearly."

I gave her a look that said, "please don't make me do this," and she gave me a look that said, "you're definitely going to do this." As I went for the door, she squeezed my hand in reassurance, our secret code since we met that meant "I love you." I squeezed her hand twice, our secret code for "I love you too." I took one step inside, and the emotions of the house hit me like a wrecking ball.


	9. Searh, Wait, Hope

**A/N: Back to Bella's POV. Sorry about the double cliff hanger, but it was necessary. Still love me, right? Prove it!**

"What do you mean you don't know, Alice?" Rosalie spat it out, but afterward she realized her harshness and her face softened a little. "Did he leave because of your…argument?" Alice flinched at her words, but nodded. "Oh," was all Rosalie murmured.

Renesmee frowned slightly and headed for the stairs, probably to go hang out with Jacob. She wasn't much for drama, and I could tell that the argument between her beloved aunt and uncle upset her, even if she didn't understand what it was about. Once she was half way up the stairs, I gave Alice a look of sympathy for leaving her with Rosalie, and followed my daughter up the stairs. When she reached the top, she spun around and looked at me with knowing eyes. "Mom, what's going on?"

I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at her, scanning her face for any revelation that should be there. She noticed my hesitation and sighed, my answer followed. "I don't really know."

She laughed without humor and crossed her arms. I felt like I was the daughter who came home to an angered mom, not the other way around. "Yes, you do." She said it flatly, with accusation. Her eyes burning into mine, just begging for me to lie to her again.

"It's really none of your business, Renesmee." I tried to sound like I wasn't as small as I felt. But she wasn't letting it slide.

"I saw you walk out shortly after Jasper did. You were the last to see him."

"I don't know where he is though." I walked past her and sat on the couch in our personal living room, she followed and sat in the loveseat in front of me.

"But, you do know why he left." Her words were hanging in the air and a part of me wanted to lift my shield and internally yell "Edward, Edward, save me!" But I knew that wouldn't help at all.

"Nessie, why is it bothering you so much?" She didn't say anything, her face turned the color of a tomato and a tear fell down her cheek, she looked as if she was going to just break apart at the seams in any moment, and I crossed the brief distance between us and held her. She put her hand to my cheek as she started sobbing into my chest.

Images of a broken family came to her mind. She was scared of losing Jasper. She was scared of seeing Alice upset for good.

"Don't worry, okay? Everything will be fine. He's going to come back. He loves your aunt far too much to leave for good. Sometimes, sometimes people just get too scared and they run away, even though it's not the brave thing to do. We all do it sometimes."

"Do what?" She didn't ask it aloud, it was just her communicating to me the most natural way she knew how.

"Run away from our problems. Your uncle just seems to have done it the literal way."

She smiled a little, and my mouth mirrored hers. She took her hand away from my face and rubbed her tears away and took a deep breath in. And in a low whisper she asked, "What could they have fought over that would make Jasper so mad he'd storm off?"

She stared at me, waiting for my response, watching my smile turn ever so slowly into a frown. "He didn't leave because he was angry, Nessie."

"Then why did he leave?"

I took an intoxicating amount of air and closed my eyes as I breathed it out. Trying to not sound so broken when I answered her. "Because, he's scared. I think he's scared of himself, mostly."

"Why?"

"How much of Jasper's past do you know, Nessie?"

"I know that he was in a lot of wars when he was a newborn." She put her hand to my cheek, thinking, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"He's just had a lot of struggles in his life, that's all. He doesn't like feeling weak." It didn't get past me that I was quoting a line that Alice had told me when Jasper attacked me when I was human.

Her thoughts were a whisper, "Why would he feel weak?" She eyed me quizzically and I gave her a sad smile and kissed her head.

"Everyone has personal struggles and demons to deal with, and after awhile you can't ignore them anymore. It's hard having to admit there is something wrong when you want something so badly to be right, you know?"

She nodded and reached her arms around me to give me a comforting hug. "Do you have any, mom?"

"Sometimes I feel like there are too many to count." I said it to myself mostly, peering out the window, praying that maybe Jasper would be walking up. He'd be here and everything would be alright. He and Alice would be perfect and I'd give him an awesome hug and everything would go back to normal. But, I didn't see anyone and my happy dream soon faded away when my daughter's words pulled me into reality.

"Are your struggles connected to Jasper's?" Unlike the accusations that had filled her words earlier at the top of the stairs, this time it was just a question. She wasn't prying, just asking out of curiosity.

"Not entirely, but they're pretty close knit. Kind of woven into one, I guess."

"Then why didn't you leave too?" Her eyebrows were scrunched together, leaving her with the cutest expression, one that mirrored mine, but her father was too evident in it as well, I was silently hoping she would pinch the bridge of her nose, too.

"Because, I decided instead to run to your father. It was the only choice for me to make." We sat in silence after that, in a comforting cocoon of cuddling. I realized how much I had been almost ignoring her since this whole thing began, and I felt like a terrible mother. I tried to remember the last time Renesmee and I had actually sat and talked for more than five minutes in the last few months, and I really couldn't. I wanted to cry right then and there, but I didn't want to scare her, I didn't want her to see me break.

"Mom, is everything going to be okay? We're all going to stay together right?"

"Don't worry, Ness. Everything is going to fall into place." I didn't answer her though, Edward did. He was standing outside of our door and he came down to sit next to us. It felt right. Husband, wife, and daughter. Sitting together on a couch, so normal, too. But, so safe.

My family, our family. Sewn together by love, blood, and venom. This girl between Edward and I was a declaration of our love. Physical, tangible proof that I had made the right decision in loving him and choosing him and being with him forever. Because if nothing else was right, we definitely were. Two puzzle pieces fit together, and a third one fitting in a spot we didn't even know was missing. I couldn't help it then, I just broke out into sobs. But, I wasn't sad; I was just so relieved and happy to know that I had the two people in front of me for eternity. That I could and would never stop loving them, and those feelings would be reciprocated as well.

"I love you two," I croaked, "so much."

"I love you, too, mom." She smiled and put her hand to my face to reiterate it before getting up from the couch. "I'm going to go see what Jake is doing though." As she pranced to her boyfriend's room, Edward pulled me up as well and led me into ours.

"Bella, are you okay?" He whispered it into my hair, he was holding me so close that my face didn't even have the option of looking up at him.

"I'm just so lucky, but so ungrateful. I've been neglecting her, Edward. I've basically been ignoring our daughter."

He pulled me a few inches away from him. "She doesn't feel that way, and neither do I."

Before I could even respond, before I could say, "That doesn't matter," his lips were crushing mine with such intense passion and need, I couldn't see straight. I grabbed him by the hair to pull him in closer, and as our kiss deepened, so did a burning feeling in my chest, the type you get before you cry. My heart was breaking by the simple act of kissing my husband because it had been far too long since I had kissed him quite like that. We were playing push and pull. Trying to pull each other closer, trying to push each other onto some type of surface. He won that game and had me pressed firmly to the wall. My legs were wrapped around his waist and he had one hand traveling down my side, and the other tightly cupping my cheek, kissing me with a fervor I had never even imagined.

His mouth traveled down to my neck, and there is where he whispered, "Isabella," over and over before and after and inside of open mouthed kisses. I had an inkling that told me he was reclaiming me as his. But I didn't mind, my body was his, we made that promise in our vows. He moved his mouth back up and kissed his way to my lips. He rested his forehead on mine and the sound of our unnecessary labored breathing was obnoxious.

"I love you, Bella," he panted in the slight space between our lips. "I always will." I didn't respond to his statement. I just let my arms fall to his shirt and unbuttoned it with vampire speed and had him over the bed. Kissing his beautiful chest, and for once not wishing it was Jasper's. I was idolizing his body, not resenting it.

And for our entire night together, nothing came between us. We were perfect and right. And there was no fidelity problem hanging over our heads. Jasper wasn't missing. It was how it was supposed to be. It was Edward and Bella, Bella and Edward. I realized we weren't the shattered remnants of a couple that used to be, that we were a paragon of what every couple should be, an unparalleled love that could never be met in history.

As day broke through, our kisses became soft, and Edward gave me a reassuring hug, a light squeeze that said, "It's going to be okay." When we walked down the stairs, I saw Alice's face, it was tortured and I gave her a hug before we made our way to the car to drive to school. Renesmee and I didn't talk much in art. The Chloe girl and her were having a nice conversation and I decided to let her have some privacy as I stuck to my painting. As class ended, she asked me if Chloe could come over.

"I don't think that's a good idea right now. Maybe Jake could give you a ride to her place or something?" She smiled at my answer and left the classroom and I sulked to my next class, history. A place that would scream that Jasper wasn't there. I sat in the seat, and missed the ultimate comfort he would have brought upon me. Ironically wishing he was there, just to soothe my torture with his gift. The nosy boy from the first day of class would turn to stare at me, but he never asked me why Jasper wasn't there. He probably was scared, subconsciously knowing that he should stay away from me. Most humans knew. Thankfully, our teacher wasn't much for instructing, so after telling us our assignment that wouldn't even be due until the end of next class, he sat at his desk and played around on the computer, and I rested my head on the desk, pretending to sleep just in case the boy got an inclination to talk to me.

I walked slowly and purposefully to lunch, in no hurry to sit next to Edward in a sea of people, all eyes most definitely on us. But, as I reached the cafeteria, I saw him standing by the door we marked as our escape route from the smelly cafeteria line. I smiled as I reached him and he grabbed my hand.

"Let's get the hell out of here." I nodded and followed, and we ran out into the court yard that was vacated due to the cold weather, something that wouldn't affect us. We sat across from each other, Indian style holding hands, he pushed a strand of fallen hair behind my ear and watched it fall right back in front of my face. "Alice's visions of Jasper are freaking her out." I lifted my eyes to meet his, but he was looking off to the side, playing with my fingers idly. "He's just sitting somewhere dark, a cave, not moving at all. Like he's catatonic."

"I'm sure he's just thinking over things."

"Alice knows that, she's just worried because, so far she sees no other future other than him just sitting in a cave." He finally looked over toward me and gave me a small smile.

"He'll figure it out. I know it. We once got into a big argument about everything that was going on. When he first tried to end it. His words stung then, but now they make sense and I know they apply just as much to him."

He raised an eyebrow up at me, "What did he say?"

A sigh raked through me, "He asked me if I could ever leave you or Renesmee, if I could take her away from you and just run away with him. He knew the answers and that's why he was asking me, to admit it."

"And what did you say?"

I smiled sadly, "I didn't say anything. I just broke down. It was the end of the argument."

"Oh, I see." Too long of a pause. "I doubt he'll stay away too much longer. I don't think he's ever been without Alice longer than two weeks since they have met."

"He told me that the longest he'd ever been away from her was when you guys left to help Carmen and Eleazar leave."

"Yep." Silence took over, and the pop of his "p" seemed to resonate in whispered hums.

I ended the floating "p." "Well, I guess we should get back before the school notices us out here and start's complaining."

"Wait-" He grabbed my arm and sat me back down in front of him. "Could you leave?"

I felt horrible, he still felt insecure enough to think that there was a possibility that I would leave him. "Edward, I'm here aren't I? I didn't leave with Jasper. I could never leave you, I would never want to."

"Could you leave with me?"

I smiled, and as I did, his mouth grew into a goofy grin. "I would follow you anywhere." He kissed me, passionately, forgetting for a minute that we were in fact in school.

"Ahem." We both looked over to the acknowledgment of our kissing to see an administrator giving us a warning look.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Lorena, it won't happen again," Edward swooned, flashing her that crooked grin that made panties drop.

Her eyes softened, but her toned stayed harsh, "It better not, you two. There's plenty of times outside of school for that." She continued low, as she walked away not expecting us to hear, "I mean, hell, you two live together, you don't even have to get a room."

A giggle escaped my lips and I made my way into study block. Alice came knocking on the door, and the teacher let her in, giving him a note and he called for me to pack my belongings and go with her. I smiled as I walked past the teacher and Alice grabbed my hand as we walked down the hall. "What's going on?"

"Family emergency," she sang and I couldn't help but wonder why her mood had changed.

"How is everyone going to get home?"

"Don't worry, Edward knows, we're just going to run anyways." We walked inconspicuously until we hit the forest and ran with a vengeance to get home. Esme was on the porch, decorating for fall, humming nameless tunes to herself.

"Skipping school, ladies?"

"Only last class, Esme." I gave her a wink as we walked past, but I couldn't help but to notice that her smile wasn't reaching her eyes. I hoped it was only because she missed Jasper, not because she knew something I hoped she wouldn't ever know. When we reached our living room, I let it out in a rushed whisper. "What's with the mood swing?"

Her smile remained gleaming, "Well, I know for sure Jasper isn't going to just be sitting around doing nothing anymore."

"So, he's coming home?"

"It's a possibility that he will be home very soon, by homecoming night."

"That's great, I know he's torturing himself out there." I let out a gush of air, still whispering. "I love you so much, Alice. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. I've basically taken your husband from you, he wouldn't even be gone if it wasn't for me."

"No," she said, pulling me out of our embrace with the sternest of looks, "Don't be sorry for him running away; he made his own choice to do that. Just like it was his choice just as much as yours to be involved with you," Her voice softened, "And I love you too, and I know you didn't mean for anything to happen. It's okay. What's the point in being mad when I love you too god damned much anyways?"

I gave her a small smile, typical Alice, pushing everything aside to be happy. It was probably what got Jasper into this mess. But it was my favorite quality in her even still. She just kept pushing to her next goal, leaving everything else in its wake. Life was okay if her future said so. The only way to upset her is to take away her future, and I still fear sometimes that I almost had, that I could have.

"Well, if Jasper does come back, he's going to be wearing a red tie when he comes home, and my dress is green, so do you want to go shopping with me?"

How could I deny her anything that she wanted, especially when I had already taken so much away? Everything that happened between shopping with Alice and Friday morning happened without incident. When Alice told me that Jazz would probably be back by homecoming, it didn't get past me that it was two days away. I tried to ignore the nervous frenzy my body was in, but somehow it seemed I couldn't stop moving or cleaning or talking to anyone that would listen just to fight the urge to fall apart and cry when it was all I knew how to do. And then I was left to wonder, can vampires have nervous ticks? I knew very well they could have breakdowns from personal experience. But, why would a vampire have the need to rearrange the living room for three straight hours just to put it back to the way it was before, or to clean Jacob's hell hole called a room, or demand to go grocery shopping and pick up everything in the store? I'll tell you why, because when your sister-in-law comes up to you and tells you that her husband, the guy you've been sleeping with for the better part of the year is coming back, it's kind of hard to keep your mind on the bright side without just keeping busy. Don't get me wrong, I really did want Jasper to come back, I missed him dearly. I just didn't know what I was supposed to say when he came back. "Hey, it's been nice seeing you naked, too bad we can't do that anymore…how's it going?" "How was your time rotting away in cave, did you miss me?"

I wished then that I didn't just cry when he told me we had to end it, or to never have driven to Port Angeles and have that hotel rendezvous with him, or to go back even further and have just ignored the lust that was pouring out of him when I cried about my life to him, or at least not to have acted out on it. Anything to just not be in the situation that I was in, anything to not feel so broken and hopeless when it came to Jasper and my love for him. Because I knew I could never stop feeling the way I did for him, I could only stop acting on it. And I honestly didn't want to anyways. Because by loving Jasper, I was only hurting us more and more. I was only hurting Edward and me, Alice and Jasper. Straining the very foundations my family was built on. The guilt that would rock through me every time I would have to see Jasper was already tangible it was so prevalent in my fears. Again, I found myself wishing for his soothing effect. Funny, how I found the very idea of him returning nauseating I was so scared, and how at the same time I just wanted him to sit next to me and hold my hand and whisper, "It'll be okay," over and over until through his persistence and empathy, I believed him. Once the thought came through my head, his imaginary soothing words played in my head like my own personal mantra to keep my sanity. I doubled it over Friday morning when Alice busted through my door to proclaim in her sing-song voice. "He's coming home today!"

Edward noticed my ever-growing anxiety attack and asked me if I wanted to stay home and relax with him all day, but I declined the offer to keep up with the everyday distractions of school. Maybe if I acted like everything was normal my life would be, fat chance. For once, I actually used all of my attention on the ruckus around my high school. Nessie's friend Chloe had a new boyfriend, the boy in history that liked to stare was having trouble understanding the assignment that was due that block, my history teacher was softly talking on the phone about what he was going to give his wife for their anniversary, in lunch the school was humming with anticipation about the homecoming dance that night, and I was dreading it.

The final bell rang and sent the school into a mad frenzy as the announcements went over the rules about homecoming, warning the students that drinking was not to be tolerated. Apparently, as the rumors flew, last year the would-be homecoming king threw up on the principal while being awarded his crown, and he wasn't sick. When we got home, Alice was a wreck. She flew through each room making sure everyone's outfits were up to her standard of perfection. Fixing all the men's jackets and retouching all the ladies' make up until I thought I would lose my composure of normalcy. It was obvious she was trying to keep busy from breaking out into a happy dance at the soon to be arrival of her husband.

Finally, Edward and I escaped her madness in the safety of our room, where I sat down on our bed still as stone. Afraid that if I moved, I would break. I couldn't help but to compare it to when I was being changed. Knowing that if I even twitched my finger, I would let out a blood curdling scream that I wouldn't be able to stop until the pain did, too. Except I didn't know when this new found pain would stop, I didn't know if it ever would. Because this wasn't something as simple as my human body dying, this was a part of my life that I had coveted coming to its demise. A part of my life I so ridiculously thought could remain mine, against all the odds. And although I was okay with this, even though I was willing to give him up for my husband and my true happiness, I still couldn't help but to mourn my loss of having Jasper as mine, if only partly. I didn't know how I was going to deal facing him in this new life without him as a lover, especially when he had just been that not even a few days ago. Edward did nothing to get me out of my internal thoughts, knowing I would come back to him soon, knowing that no matter what I would chose him. Just like when my love for Jacob came to test the waters with Edward and I. It would always be Edward, it always had been.

The sound of tires crunching the gravel sounded like a bomb squad in my ears, only because it sounded Jasper's arrival.

"Everybody downstairs, Jasper's back!" Edward gave me a reassuring hand squeeze as we descended down the stairs and when I saw Emmett stroking Rosalie's arm I realized that he hadn't been making self noticed since Jasper's departure. Maybe it was just my guilt, but I wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that he knew. I was starting to go crazy with guilt. I hadn't thought to ask Edward if anyone in the family knew of our issues, and I didn't know if I ever wanted to. The sound of Jasper's feet approaching seemed to be at measured pace, drawn out as if in slow motion. I could tell it wasn't my nervousness setting their pace, it was his.

Of course he was nervous, he was about to face the wolves just as much as I was. Because just as I had to face him, he had to face me. I had already faced my husband, but he ran from his wife before she even had the chance to reel him back in. So, in a sense, he was facing more than I would be that night. Alice walked up to the front door quiet even to vampire ears and opened the door smiling. She shut the door and even though it was supposed to be their private moment, I knew everyone could hear. I hoped to God that they wouldn't say anything that would give us away. As I continued to listen, I realized that no one would understand anything of what they were talking about and for this, I was glad. Until I heard her say, "Come on inside, everyone's missed you dearly." I felt like I was close to fainting as I heard the door hitch open and saw his feet step inside. He stood for a moment, as if to survey the scene and then his eyes met mine, and I tried my hardest not to croak.


	10. It's Never Ending

**A/N: Alright, the author's note at the bottom is important. Do read... One more chapter to go, you guys.**

I knew that I couldn't crumble, not in front of the audience that was my family. I felt like I was trapped right back into the world of keeping smiles and screaming on the inside, because that is exactly what I was doing. When his eyes rested on me, I gave him a nod and hoped to god that my internal display of theatrics was only visible to him. Esme bombarded him first without even giving him the chance to say a quick hello.

"Oh, hon. I've missed you so much! Are you okay?" She went from stark raving happy to worrying in a flash so fast, it would even give a vampire whiplash. But he played it cool and when I heard his voice, I didn't know whether to sing with joy or run away with fear.

"No, no. I'm fine, Esme, I promise. I missed you, too."

I was seriously hoping that not everyone would follow her stunt, because I knew it'd be noticed if I didn't do the same. And for the sake of my sanity, I didn't think I could run into his arms. So, I was relieved when Carlisle just rested his hand on his shoulder and gave a simple, "Welcome home, son." Before anyone else could try to replay the stunt Esme performed, Alice exclaimed that we were going to be late and to get a move on. So, everyone complied with a murmured "hey."

We had rented a limo to go, trying to give Renesmee the full experience of a high school dance. When I say we, I mean Alice. And being stuck in the confinements of a limo with Jasper sitting directly in front of me was driving me crazy. Edward reassuringly kept squeezing my hand when Jasper would get a strong whiff of my anxiety or whatever other emotions go along with the label of being insane. I tried to just ignore him, and I felt like a coward for it.

Everyone else was too absorbed in their conversations with Jasper, everyone ignoring the question, "Where were you and why did you leave?" to notice me sitting out on it all. I really wasn't listening to anything they were saying. I was so lost in thought, that when my name was being called, it took me a few seconds to realize that everyone else was out of the limo waiting for me to get out.

I gave a soft "sorry" before exiting and returned back into the comfort of Edward's arms around my waist. Rosalie gave me a teasing look and laughed, "I see someone still doesn't like going to these events." I stuck my tongue out at her, but in all reality, the fact that I was at a school function was hardly the reason for any of my stress. I knew not to worry about being a horrible dancer, and breaking my face from falling. Knowing that I had to face Jasper soon was clawing at me from all sides. I didn't know what to say to him, or even better what I would say. Something mean? Something horrible and untrue? Or would I just break from the pressure and fall apart right in front of him again?

The decorations were actually impressive, much better than anything Forks had to offer. I wondered if Alice was on the planning committee, because it definitely was up to her standards. The dance floor was covered in club lights and they even had a young DJ from a local radio station playing music that was a little different than your average top 40 hits. I quickly found a table in the back corner and made myself comfortable before Edward got the notion to take me to the dance floor, the dance floor in which Jasper had Alice swirling on, whispering loving gestures in her ear. I watched as everyone danced from song to song, switching partners for each. Some of the songs were a little bit too racy to share with siblings, and those were the ones where everyone went back to their partners. Jacob didn't want to come, and so Edward was playing Nessie's date, poor thing. She didn't even really care though, she ended up ditching my husband for her friends after a few songs. I laughed lightly as Edward made his way over to me shaking his head with a half smile on his face.

"Boring, old Dad was just too embarrassing to be seen with."

"Soooo embarrassing," I agreed in amusement.

Up until then, he had let me be a wallflower and I should have known he would eventually try and talk me into hopping on the dance floor. A song from a band that I had grown to love lately was playing and Edward used it against me.

"You can't tell me, Isabella, that this song does not have an amazing beat."

"Oh, it does. I can enjoy it in my seat quite ful-" I was yanked out of that seat before I could get the words out and he had me swaying my hips with him on the floor. I lifted my shield to tell him _You're in trouble, sir. _I gave up on the angry act and I couldn't help but to move along in a fun rhythm to the beat playing. He always found some way to get me to do what he wanted.

Edward started laughing and I gave him the stank eye, "What's so funny?"

He bent down to whisper in my ear, "Your inner monologue." I snapped my shield back up and he kissed my forehead. I noticed Jasper and Alice then, she was laughing and although he was joining in, he was peering over at me, and his eyes told me he didn't feel anything close to laughing.

"Hey," Edward said, pulling me out of my transfixed stare towards the man I had just a few days before called my lover. "Would you like to ditch this floor?"

I simply nodded, to not sound so emphatic at the prospects of leaving Jasper and this trivial high school dance. I pulled him towards the back door, but he let go of my hand. I raised an eye brow at him and he gave me a small smile, "I've got to go check up on, Nessie, um....I'll be out shortly." Before I could reply, he was gone into the crowd and with a low huff I walked out the doors and sat on the bench not too far from the building.

Even outside, I could still hear the music thumping and the laughter of the children attending. Emmett's laughter somehow overshadowed all of that, and amused for a moment, I wondered what he found so funny inside. I heard the doors open, but I didn't think to look back, I assumed it was Edward. But his shaky breath told me who he really was. In fear, I kept my eyes closed as I felt him sit down next to me on the bench. A pregnant silence took over, and I still didn't look at him or anything but the back of my eye lids. I heard him sigh and rake his hands down his face. Then I heard a whisper, "Hi."

I opened my eyes then and reluctantly turned my face towards him. "Hey," it came out soft and as broken as I felt. He turned his gaze back in front of him and we sat there in silence again for a bit longer.

"Look, I'm sorry. Really, about everything." He returned his eyes to me and I nodded.

"Don't be. It's just as much my fault as it is yours."

"I'm scared."

The suddenness and truth of his words baffled me. I knew exactly what he meant when he said those words. I knew what he was scared of better than anyone in the world could.

"Me too."

"I don't know what's going to become of us." His eyes were glassy from tears he was dying to shed. I swept my hand over his cheek, wiping the imaginary tears away. He rested his face there and put his hand over it, with a pleading look in his eyes. "I don't want to lose you."

"I know, I can't lose you, either."

"I just don't know how we're supposed to stay friends."

I removed my hand from his face and placed it in my lap."Yeah, I haven't seen any 'how to's' lately called 'How To Remain Friends With A Person You've Had An Affair With While Still Not Hurting Your Spouse.'"

He gave a small smile and a light chuckle, too sad to fully laugh. "Yeah... I just wish I knew how to fix this. She... Alice told me everything would work out and to not worry. But, it's kind of hard not to."

I winced when he said "she" followed by a quick stumble of her name. I knew why he had done it. Our rules of never mentioning our spouses' by name were still ingrained in his brain. We had no reason to have those rules now. "Do you wonder if it'll be too much?"

"Being around you?" I nodded. "I've thought about it. When I was gone, I tried to think if we would just fall back into it. You, know the same thing. I mean, we never did anything with thought, anyways. It always just seemed to happen. Will being alone with you cause me to want you, just like a reflex? Even if it's years from now, the idea of it happening made me realize something."

"What's that?"

"That the love I have for Alice, it's too precious to damage. I could never hurt her again, not like that. I need her, and although I need you as a friend...I only wanted you as a lover, and I didn't realize that until yesterday."

"I don't think I could ever hurt Edward again, either. You know, all this fear I had that he wouldn't understand how depressed I had been, that he'd just freak out and think that I didn't love him or want this life, and he did understand. And having him tell me that, it seemed to almost take all of those feelings I had and put them away. It disregarded all of them."

"Like you just wanted him to know how you felt."

"I guess that's all you wanted, too."

He nodded. "Yet, we tried to find that comfort in each other."

"I always found it...it just left immediately afterward." I pulled the curly locks of hair that were hanging in my face behind my ears, effectively displacing a few bobby pins on the side of my head. As I started to just take them out, one by one, he started talking.

"It was like I was attracted to your wounds, and because so, I didn't heal them."

"Just temporarily covered them, like putting pressure on it to keep it only from bleeding out." I pulled out another bobby pin, and the sum of hair that hand been on top of my head fell down my shoulders.

"Yeah, and now I know mine are starting to heal and that Alice is the only reason for it. And I can see yours are too. We were too selfish in our conquests of fixing ourselves to really fix the other I think." His whole body was facing me and looking into his face was like looking into a mirror. I could see the underlying anxiety, but the genuine happiness at finding that we were starting to get comfortable with each other again. Proof that this relationship wasn't damaged either.

"So, are you guys going to leave for awhile or anything?"

"I've mentioned it, trying to give us some time to recover, but she won't have any of that. Apparently, I have a very upset Renesmee to attend to, and if we left she would think that we were leaving for good."

"Yes, that was an interesting conversation to have with her. Edward asked if I wanted to go off with him. But, I don't think it was to run away together, I think he was asking me if I wanted to run away from you...... But, I said that Renesmee needs consistency and I don't think I could leave her, you know that."

"Yeah, I do."

"She's bigger than anything going on in my life, and I know I've neglected her lately, Edward won't listen to me when I talk about it, he mildly just tells me to shut up. Ha. But, really it was more than just her. Even though I'll admit that I was nervous as hell about seeing you, I'd rather repair this as soon as possible than do nothing. I love you, Jasper, I just have to learn to love you again in the right way."

"And that's what makes this so fucking difficult."

I sighed to show my agreement, "I'm guessing Edward and Alice set this up?"

"That they did. I'm only speaking for myself, but I seriously do not deserve her."

"No, no. I don't deserve him either. Never did, though. It doesn't surprise me really that he did this for us, that she did. So unselfish."

"Something we aren't, it seems."

"It's funny how people used to always call me so selfless, a born martyr. Jacob told me once that he thought I should have been born in another century. I didn't find the humor in it, it was when I was pregnant. It's quite laughable now." Neither of us laughed, though.

"I've never felt like I deserved Alice, either. Even before I did all of this. What would such a sweet girl like her want with me, damaged goods from the very beginning?"

"I think it's quite beautiful really."

"What?"

"The fact that you are literally the only thing she's ever known. I mean, it's kind of romantic to think about, that you were the first image she had when she woke."

"I wish it had happened that way for me, too. To just have known she was out there waiting for me. Or, well I guess, would be waiting for me. But, I think it's just as beautiful, what you and Edward have."

"How so?"

"He waited for you for basically a century. He never gave any woman attention at all. I've never even felt him lust over a girl, not until you. It's kind of the same thing, never knowing anything but you. And you really never knew anything besides him either,when you two met."

"Jacob," I muttered.

"That was bound to happen. Edward-we all left you and he was there to patch you up. And you never really gave a thought about him until he forced it."

"I guess, I don't know. _And they all lived happily ever after.." _I sarcastically uttered underneath my breath.

"Too bad we're not in some romance novel. We can't ever really say that seriously, because there is never an end for us. It's just a never ending story. Who knows what other problems will be thrown back at us."

"Wouldn't it be nice, though? To just be able to say that there won't be anymore tragedy. I can see it now, 'the Volturi come back to destroy the Cullen coven in fear that they will soon conquer.'"

"What would the book be called?" He smiled, amused at my joke.

I pondered for a moment, and I got it. "Collapse."

"And why is that?"

"Because that is what they would do, of course."

He smiled but it soon faded, replaced with a sad, forlorn look. He sat in silence for a moment and I kept my eyes on him. "What do you think our story would be called?"

This time, I didn't hesitate, "Metal Heart."

"Metal Heart?"

"Yeah."

"I could see that."

"It's damned if you don't, it's damned if you do. _Be true_, cause they'll lock you up in a sad, sad zoo." I said, quoting the song, mostly to my self.

"To be true. It seems to be the hardest thing to do, doesn't it?"

"Sure does feel that way. All I wanted was truth when we started this, funny, huh? I never seem to do the right thing anymore."

"You were just searching for it in the wrong place."

"I just wanted to prove I could actually hurt for the right reasons."

"Did you read that book you gave Alice before all of this happened?"

"What, _Invisible Monsters_, no. did you read it?"

"Yeah, I did. You sure seem to be the main character."

"What, by trying to hurt myself?"

"Mhhm, I remember this quote perfectly. ' I wanted to give up the idea that I had any control. Shake things up. To be saved by chaos. To see if I could cope, I wanted to force myself to grow again. To explode my comfort zone.'"

"Yeah, that's pretty close."

"You can put masochistic along with martyrdom in your qualities."

"And you can put asshat." Laughter, true laughter rang around us, and for some reason, everything came to make sense.

"Asshat, Bella?"

"Yep, asshat. I wish we had just talked like this when I was down, just like we have for years."

"It's amazing what emotional frailty will do to you. But I can't say I completely regret it, either."

I'm sure he could feel the amount of confusion bubbling within me."Why is that?"

"I think we both learned from this, a lot actually."

"That our mates love us enough to not give up on us?"

"That, and that what we have was definitely meant to last."

"I didn't need this to happen to know that, Jasper. You're an amazing person."

"This really reinforces it now. I just want to get it behind us."

"It seems you forgot a quote from that book, Jaz."

"Which one would that be?"

"Your past is just a story. And once you realize this, it has no power over you."

He gave me a small smile and stood up, awkwardly scratching his neck, obviously trying to ignore what I had just said. He knew I meant it to go further than just us. "I guess we should get back to the party, seems they're having too much fun without us."

As if to prove his point, Emmett's guffaw echoed. "I agree. But, come here." He gave me a hesitant approach, but was soon a foot away from me, I closed the gap by giving him a hug. And when he hugged me back, I felt whole. Because, I wasn't longing for any other touch from him, no lust. Just platonic, just perfect. "I love you, so much."

He tightened his hold on me and whispered, "I love you, too." When he let go, we both made our way back into the building and Edward and Alice were smiling up at us from the table I had been sitting in earlier. Rosalie and Emmett were making their way over, and I couldn't help but to laugh at the punch dripping on the bottom of her dress.

"Some stupid, little girl spilled her punch all over me!" She hissed. Emmett's cheeks were starting to look like a chipmunk's at how hard he was trying to keep the laughter building up in his throat from piling out.

"Should we go home?" Edward asked, knowing that Rose would feel uncomfortable now that her clothes had been oh, so tainted.

"Please," she muttered before walking outside, presumably to wait for the limo. Emmett followed. When Edward and Alice got up from their table, I ran immediately into his arms and even though I knew that Alice and Jasper could hear, I whispered a quick thank you.

In true Edward fashion he whispered back, "Anything for you." Renesmee came up to us and as we were making it out, her friend, Chloe, came up to her and gave her a hug and mentioned something about a sleepover the next day. I decided to wait till we got home to ask her what that was all about.

The car ride was a complete 180 compared to the drive to the dance. Jasper didn't feel like a threat to my existence, but a promise that everything would be okay. I tried to give Alice and Jasper some privacy that night, so I opted for going on an evening hunt alone, but Emmett asked if he could join and I agreed.

His company was something I could easily enjoy, he was always light humored and knew how to make someone feel welcome. Sometimes, I forgot how intuitive he was.

"So how are things with you and Jasper?"

He didn't say it disgusted, didn't say it repulsed, just stated like he knew that Jasper and I were having problems. I'd never think I would trip over my words as much as I did that moment as a vampire.

"Wha...what did you just.........say?"

He sighed and sat down on a fallen tree, "Sit down, Bella."

**A/N: Surprised that Bella didn't say "Pour Etre Vrai" for the title of this story? Metal Heart is a Cat Power song, and if you haven't heard it, you should. I thought the lyrics tied perfectly with the story. I'm really not for "song-fics," so I didn't want to seem overbearing with the lyrics to it in my actually writing, but here are the lyrics, to prove my point in how real they are to their situation. Trying to save yourself by hurting yourself.**

losing a star without a sky  
losing the reasons why  
you're losing the calling, you've been faking  
and I'm not kidding  
it's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do  
be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo  
oh hidy hidy hidy what're you trying prove?  
by hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing  
sew your fortunes on a string  
and hold them up to light  
blue smoke will take a very violent flight  
and you will be changed  
and everything  
and you'll be in a very sad sad zoo  
I once was lost but now I'm found  
was blind but now I see you  
how selfish of you  
to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming  
metal heart you're not hiding  
metal heart you're not worth a thing  
metal heart you're not hiding  
metal heart you're not worth a thing


	11. How We've Changed

**A/N: Welcome to the end of Pour Etre Vrai, I seriously hope you enjoyed this as much as I have. It's funny, but I've had the last sentence has been written down on my sidebar since the first week of writing this. It was originally going to be dialog between Jasper and Bella, but I felt that it fit at the ending better than any other place. I love you guys, and thank you for sticking by me until the end, you're awesome.**

I understood the gesture of sitting down next to Emmett, I just didn't understand the meaning behind it. As vampires, we were completely comfortable with standing. But, I had a feeling it was the sentiment that meant the most. A visible warning of what he was going to say. He eyed me up in down, and I could see the internal fight plaguing his mind. He didn't want to say what he was about to, but he felt the need to. "How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long were you and Jasper together?" I blinked rapidly and tried to compose myself and keep my feet from flying underneath me and away from him.

"What are you talking about?"

He gave me a reluctant chuckle and a small pat on the back, "Bella, just because you don't have a heart beat and a blush to give you away doesn't make you any better of a liar. You're still horrible."

I sighed, defeated and my feet became increasingly interesting. "How'd you figure it out?"

"I heard a bit of your conversation outside before he left. I wasn't that far away. But, I didn't stay around for long, I left after I heard the conversation turn into something a bit different...." He trailed off and I looked up at him, he looked pained, something I had rarely seen his face contorted in.

"I'm so sorry."

"Why?" He asked incredulously.

"You must hate me."

"Why would I hate you, Bella?"

The last thing I wanted was anyone who didn't have to know, know about my mistakes. I covered my face in my hands. "Because, I hurt Edward and Alice. It wouldn't surprise me if you thought I was a horrible person."

"Hey, " he pulled my face away from the comfort they found in my hands and gently pushed my face to meet his eyes, "I don't hate you and I don't think you're a horrible person. Stupid, reckless, and irresponsible, maybe. But I definitely don't hate you, okay?"

I simply nodded at his gesture and figured I might as well ask, so I wouldn't get this conversation more than once, "Does anyone else know?"

"No, not that I know of. Rosalie asked me if I knew if something was going on because she didn't understand why Jasper would just leave Alice, but I played dumb. I think Edward and Alice knowing what happened is enough. I definitely didn't even want to know. They're the only people that have the right to, and the only people's forgiveness you need. And I know you've already gotten it. But, seriously, how long?"

I paused for a moment, trying to not break in front of Emmett...wouldn't want another Cullen man to start an affair with, would you, Bella? I chastised myself. "A few months before we moved here."

"That long?"

My feet became interesting again, "Yep."

"Are you guys okay, though?"

"I think so. I just hope this doesn't create more pain in the future, doesn't come up in an angry conversation, or create insecurity in either of them."

He wrapped his arm around me and gave me a gentle squeeze, "I mean, you fucked up, sis. Big time, and I can't give you any predictions, I'm not Alice. But, I know what you have with Edward was built to last, same goes for Jasper and Alice. If anyone can recover from this, it's you guys."

"Thanks, Emmett. I love you."

He wiggled his eyebrows at me and gave a kissy face, "Gonna try and jump on me, now?"

I pushed him, and he fell down a little, whether from surprise or just to appease me. "Shut up, Em."

"You know I'm just kidding," he laughed, brushing the dirt from his shoulders, "I love you, too. Now, let's go hunt, I'm thirsty!"

We didn't talk much after that, other than commenting on each others skills at attacking prey or just teasing the other. How it always was with Emmett. Why had I been in such a loving family? I didn't deserve any of the life I was given. He was walking, talking proof of this. When we were on our way back home, the sun grazing the trees, I asked. "Does Jasper know that you know?"

"I don't know, I don't think I'm going to talk to him about it either, though."

"Are you mad at him?"

He shook his head, but sighed, "No, I think he's just as stupid as you are, but I don't hate him."

"He'll sense any feelings you have towards him, you know."

"No shit, Sherlock. I don't know. Don't be mad at me, but I'm just really surprised he did this."

"You're not surprised that I did?"

"No, I am. It's just...I don't know. You're like my baby sister, and you know he is a brother to me, too. It's just, I feel like he's almost more responsible for this."

"We were equals in this."

He stopped and turned around, blocking my path from walking closer to our home. "I know that. It's just, he's a lot older than you, I almost feel like he should have known better."

"Eternally twenty, Eternally thinking like a twenty year old. And I am an adult, thank you."

"Yeah, I guess. It's just harder for me to accept on his behalf."

"Well, like you said. He doesn't need forgiveness from you." I sidestepped away from him and began running home faster than I ever thought my feet could carry me. Emmett couldn't catch up, speed wasn't exactly his strength. But, before we made it to the house, I stopped for him to catch up. "Look, I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me. I just don't feel like this is more Jasper's fault than mine, and I don't want you to look at it like that. Like he used me or something, we used each other."

"No, I'm sorry. I understand. Like I said, it's just that protecting my baby sister thing going on."

"Sure, sure. Let's get a move on."

When we entered the house, nothing seemed different. Renesmee was eating some cereal while Jacob massaged the hand she wasn't using, and Edward was trying not to notice. When she saw me, she ran out of her chair and put her hand on my face. _Mom, can I please spend the night at Chloe's tonight? Please._

"I don't know, Ness, I've never met her parents before." She rebutted my reasoning,

"It's not like you could anyways, you're supposed to be my sister, not my mom. What if Esme takes me over there and if she thinks that I will be safe, I spend the night. Please, mom. I've never had a sleep over before!"

"Ask Esme."

She smiled at my answer, knowing Esme would deny her nothing. Turning her head to face her staged step mother, she asked. "Is it okay, I'm not asking too much am I?"

"Of course not, dear. What time?"

"In about an hour?"

"That's fine." Esme winked at her and then me.

"Thank you so much, both of you guys. It'll be so much fun."

Edward, in all of his fatherly ways, stated to, "Make sure to call us before you go anywhere so we know where you are."

"Sure, sure." Jacob laughed at his trademark rubbing off on his girlfriend. I bet he looked at it as his signature line becoming something to be widespread and that it would make him famous or something.

Alice and Jasper were no where to be found, but that was understandable. Just because they weren't running away, it seemed obvious they would leave for the rest of the weekend. Time to fix the damage I inflicted.

I went to my room and rested on the bed, trying to find some calm over the fact that Emmett knew of our situation, even bared witness to it for a few seconds. The only good I could see come out of it was that I had one person to talk to about what had happened that wasn't actually involved in the situation itself. But, it also meant that someone who didn't need to know, did, and that was one more person than I wanted to know. I trusted Emmett, but I didn't know if, even years from now, he would accidentally bring it up or get angry at Jasper and use it against him...or maybe even me.

It was just heart wrenching to know someone had the power of that hanging over my head. To know that just because Emmett accepted me still, I knew that Rosalie and I's relationship definitely was not strong enough for her judgment on me. Because to her, I really would be the most selfish being in the world. I had gotten everything she had wanted and everything that I did. And to me, it still wasn't enough until quite recently. I wondered how hurt Esme would be, and if Carlisle would have shown his disappointment. I guessed that Jacob would have just been confused and upset over the fact. He'd probably blame Jasper for it, much as Emmett had, but with a few more sneering comments about him being a blood sucker and a leech, forgetting that I was one, too.

What scared me the most though, more than Rosalie's extreme disapproval or Carlisle's disappointment, was Renesmee's reaction. Because my daughter would have the full right to hate me for what I did. Disregarded her father as if he were nothing and like the wrecking ball I was, almost single handedly destroyed her uncle and aunt's relationship. If my daughter ever thought me as weak, or lesser of a person, or just plain horrifying, I would lose it all. Because, I needed her approval and love more than anything. I knew that one day I'd probably tell her about what happened, years from then. So, if she ever got into any situation like mine, to stop it before it even happens. I know that Edward and I's bond is just as consuming as what Jacob and Nessie have, and we still crumbled for a little while. But, the fear of her finding it our through someone that wasn't me just seemed to be worse. I lifted my shield, _Edward._ He came in our room a few seconds later.

"Hey."

"Why didn't you tell me Emmett knew?"

"I didn't know until last night. He was very good at hiding his thoughts." He lay down next to me on the bed and I couldn't tell if he was lying or not. I studied his face for a moment, but I was still left short. So, I decided if I lifted my eyebrow and he was lying, he would think he was caught. "I'm serious, Bella. I didn't know."

I sighed and covered my face with my hands, "Does anyone else know?"

"No one has thought about it at all. Everyone's thoughts are just confused as to why Jasper left. If they knew, I don't think they would be confused. Emmett never had confused thoughts, he just wasn't thinking about you or Jasper at all."

"I'm sorry I asked you, it's not your job to keep my secrets."

He removed my hands from their position and placed them in his, "Bella, yes it is. Why would I want anyone else to know what happened? I wouldn't want anything to happen that would hurt you. That would just hurt me, you know that."

"Yeah, I know. I just feel even worse now, knowing that Emmett knows."

"I can't begin to imagine. After Renesmee leaves, do you want to get out of here?"

I smiled, already loving the idea. "That sounds nice."

Renesmee was jumping around with excitement before we could even say goodbye to her. It was cute, she had her sleep over bag and even went out on a quick hunt with Jacob before hand to cure her blood lust. She'd gotten more used to human food, and even started enjoying some of it around two years ago, so sometimes she forgot to actually hunt with us if we didn't make her or remind her. She had to leave school in the first week due to a rather tasty smelling classmate in her math class, so we were more adamant on her keeping up with us on hunting.

When Esme took her into the car, she gave everyone a sincere wave goodbye and she seemed beyond joyous.

I noticed Jasper was there immediately, with Alice reading "W" fashion magazine at his side. I guessed that they had only gone out to a few stores, not on a mini vacation. And for some reason, that made me feel a lot better. That maybe I didn't damage them at all, that they could fix themselves just fine without some retreat to proclaim their love.

He was debating with Jacob over which was better, Superman or Batman. Jacob proclaiming Superman, Jasper marveling over Batman. The only thing I really got out of it was that kryptonite was bull and that real heroes could actually be killed by everything and still survive. It didn't get over my head, that it made a lot of sense he would pick Batman. He was always the underdog in the Cullen family, he'd root for the upset of the Super Hero world.

"Batman is just as vulnerable as any other mortal, and yet he still kicks ass in the end of the day. Even though he can be defeated, he never dies. What, Superman just is some freak from another planet? Sweet, so what does it matter? Why even bother to fight him when you have only one thing to kill him."

I finally chimed in, "Jasper, you do realize you're basically saying that vampires suck compared to humans."

He looked over towards me and smirked, "Not just any human, Batman, Bella. Batman."

"All he is, is some rich snob that can afford big guns and armor." Jacob interceded.

"He doesn't become Batman because he has money, he becomes Batman to help the people."

"I thought it was to get revenge after his parents were killed or something?" I felt like a noob when they both looked over towards me and rolled their eyes.

"That's hardly the point, Bella." Jasper seemed to think my ignorance was hilarious. I was growing tired of their argument, it was pretty clear it was going no where and was not going to end until Jacob's sleep became a necessity, but even he used to go days without sleep. So, this debate could have been endless and I think to this day they are still arguing about it. "Batman proves that anyone can overcome what they're given. That no matter where you come from, you can still be a great person."

Jacob rolled his eyes and started to talk more about the pros of Superman and I decided it was time to leave. "Ready to go, Edward? See ya, Jake...Jasper." He gave me a small smile before putting his attention back to Jacob.

Once everyone was done with their goodbye's, Edward and I hopped straight into his Volvo. (Very ancient to the rest of the Cullen's, but he still was in love with it.) I didn't bother asking him where we were going, I just took the comfort of having him with me. His hand was a constant in mine, and we blasted radio music that we hated and sang along to the ones Renesmee had forced us to learn. When we left the West Virginia border, I started to question his motives. "Where exactly are we going?"

"My favorite part of the Appalachian Trail."

"Where exactly is that?"

He smirked, "Somewhere between Virginia and Tennessee." I looked over at the speedometer and noticed we were only going around 80.

"How much longer, slow poke?"

"I wish I could have known you would say that to me now when you were screaming for me to slow down when you were human."

"Funny. Seriously, how much longer?"

"Probably another hour. Why? You have some plans I didn't know about?" I missed our banter, it was so simple and perfect. It was us being us, the way we were made to be.

"Actually, I did. I just can't remember." I enjoyed the laughter and the silence that followed after.

He started picking up speed and watching the trees fly by was beautiful. I could see the birds making nests and hear them singing love songs to each other. Eyes of raccoons and rodents were glistening greens and reds. There were deer on the outskirts of the forest, grazing by the road and they would perk their ears up and freeze as we passed.

He turned off onto a side road that didn't even seem big enough to fit our car, let alone another going the other way, and it just seemed to get smaller and smaller as we got higher up in the mountains. If it were anyone but my family driving on these roads, I would have been afraid for the car's life. I started to get butterflies when I noticed that the little houses on the side were starting to get few and far between, we were pretty close to where he was talking about, I could feel it. We took another small road that seemed more of just a rugged terrain than meant for vehicles to pass, but we parked soon after and when we got out, the smells of the earth overwhelmed me.

"Wow, Edward this place is beautiful." Dirt, moss, bark, the animals, water. It all seemed to be beautiful and smell just as such. It smelled alive, something that I realized I had been waiting to be. I didn't need a heartbeat for that.

"Wait until you see what I have found." We walked hand in hand at a human's pace through trees. No trails had been made, so it was obvious it wasn't a place many had seen. As we walked closer and closer, I could hear water falling and babbling over rocks and fish swimming.

"It's near water?"

He smiled, "You'll see." We took off running after that, but once we broke through a dense section of trees, I stopped. It was beautiful. It wasn't a meadow, but it was a small rectangular clearing that looked right over a small water fall. The drop off was amazing to look down and the view of the earth on the other side resembled a mirror image of where we were. The colors of the dead leaves along with the colors of the dense green and brown of the earth, and the dark, mysterious blue of the water fall was breath taking. It looked like a painting, unreal, wrong to even mess up with our presence. I felt that we didn't belong there, but it made me want to stay that much more.

"Edward, this is beyond words."

He sat me down on his lap and we continued our observation in quiet peace, looking out at the beautiful scene that lay out before us.

"I found it about twenty years ago, and I could never stop thinking about it, I've been meaning to take you here since we live so close to it. The moment just never seemed right though, not until now."

I looked up at him, he was looking far off into the water below us, concentrating, I believed, on not looking sad. He wasn't doing that great of a job.

"You're right, no time would be as perfect as now. Thank you for showing me this."

He looked down at me and gave me that crooked grin and kissed my cheek. "Of course, who else would be better to share this with?"

I rolled my eyes but lifted my head to kiss him and it was beautiful and perfect. The sun was released from the confines of the clouds and it showcased our skin like diamonds. You would think that because I was equal to him now in the effect that the sun had on us, that Edward glowing would stop taking my breath away, but it didn't. If anything, it just made it that much better.

I pushed him slightly onto the damp plush ground below us and ravished his lips with my own, tasting his mouth and moving onto his skin. As more and more of our skin became revealed, the more amazing it was. Our bodies shimmered together in one underneath the sun that seemed to shine only for us. No one was claiming the other, and this wasn't us trying to prove that our love was still there. This was making love for no other reason than to worship the other and what God had given us. His shaky and hitched breathing was rivaling mine, and I paid attention to every detail of his body as it moved with mine. Dedicating the moment to memory. One to be looked back on with reverence for the rest of my existence.

There had never been anything more perfect than us together. Especially not Jasper and I. And when we stopped, it seemed the sun left us to be alone as well. We stayed unclothed and on our backs, idly holding hands, caressing each others fingers and wrists. He kept his eyes on my heaving chest, and I kept my eyes on his parting lips. And when I watched him wet his lips and open them again, I knew he was about to say something I would want to hear on repeat. "I love you, Bella."

"Forever, Edward."

He leaned over to pull back some hair that was caught in my mouth and kissed me there softly before pulling away and grabbing his pants to put them on. I mirrored his actions and as I was pulling over my shirt, his phone started to ring.

He looked at the Caller ID and smiled, "It's Renesmee-Hey, honey, how is it going?"

I could hear her perfectly over the phone, "Fine, I'm having so much fun. Chloe's mom asked us if we wanted her to take us to a movie. Can I go?"

"Of, course. What movie?"

"I don't know, Chloe wants to watch some romantic comedy. But, thank you, Daddy! I gotta go though, because I think we're leaving to go in a few minutes. Bye!"

"Bye, Ness."

I smirked, "You know she's been dying to see that zombie movie coming out, she's probably going to end up seeing that."

"True, but I figure her whole life is filled with horror movie characters, so what's the difference?"

A light laugh left my lips and echoed around for a moment. It was infectious. "You ready to get back?"

He simply nodded and took my hand. Our drive home was just as peaceful as the drive to my new favorite place. The moon was hanging low, and I noticed that it's crescent shape was a little peculiar. Instead of the sliver of moon on the side, it hung on the bottom.

"Have you noticed the moon?"

"Hmm, what about it?"

"Doesn't it look like the Cheshire cat's grin?" Amused, he raised an eyebrow at me before looking back at the moon.

"Actually, it does."

"I don't think I've ever seen the moon like this before."

"It's still not that beautiful with you in comparison." I closed my eyes with a smile, remembering, through cloudy human eyes, the last time he had told me that. I tried to see what exactly brought me to fear my new life. I couldn't quite come up with one moment that brought on my depression. But is life ever just one moment?

I've learned that life comes together through every event in our lives, definitely not just the "key" ones. I think that's where I got lost with Jasper. I was living for some moment of clarity, some moment of proof. Thinking it would come to me when I was with him. I didn't know that they don't exist. That every moment of clarity actually took a bunch of events stumbling onto each other to create it. That it took a lot of things to happen before I became depressed. So, I could find no exact memory. Just ones floating around. Like, when the prospects of defeating Emmett at a wrestling match became less and less sound, when I watched Nessie eat cereal and actually enjoy it. When Jacob and Emmett got into a play fight and Jacob ended up with a black eye, when I started looking for changes in my body. When the enormity of my actions were starting to weigh themselves out. It was a chain reaction, how it lead me to Jasper, I still don't understand. But, what I do know is that it happened, and in reality, that's all that matters.

I wish I could say what my future will be like, but I don't even think Alice can see where I'm heading all of the time. Even though, I don't know the future, I know that no matter how far I go in life, I will never strive for perfection again. I was expecting that before and my expectations brought out parts of me no one, not even myself, should have seen.

I can't say that my life from now on will be some happily ever after, because like Jasper said, I'm just a never ending story. Some days are good, some days, they're bad. But, instead of freaking out about it, I understand. I get through it, because that's all I've learned how to do. Instead of keeping it inside, like I've done my whole life, I tell Edward. And usually, he makes it a lot better. Even Emmett tries to help, if he sees that I don't look so good, he gets me to go hunting with him, or play video games and tells me crappy jokes until I have no excuse not to smile. He even does it with Jasper. I don't know if it's to keep me genuinely happy or away from Jasper, but it's still nice. I've talked to Carlisle about my depression, and he said it could have something to do with a self fulfilling prophecy not being filled. That I spent too much time of mine with Edward wanting to help him fight, and when there is nothing to help him with, I'm left with this empty feeling. I'm not quite sure if I believe that is it, but maybe it has something to do with it, too.

Sometimes, when Jasper and I are alone together, I still get this intense urge to love him, and we've come pretty close to kissing more than once. We both stop right before our lips meet, we both know that it won't do any good for either parties, even if the idea seems tempting. Alice and Edward know we've gotten that close, and sometimes I wonder how bad it hurts them, to know that there is a want within us not placed upon them. But, maybe they understand in some creepy unconditional way. That we were broken, and we tried to fix each other. It was bound to happen that we would always feel some of the ties that used to bind us. Jasper and I talk about what bothers us together, too. And sometimes I understand what he meant when he said that he was almost glad that our affair happened, that it proved we were meant to last. Because, our friendship has only grown stronger. We've only grown stronger as people.

Jasper and I are still getting used to not avoiding our issues, it's something we've both been doing since we can remember. It's hard, but it's getting easier, and I'm proud.

Running away from our problems to trying are hardest to face them, I'd say this is how we have changed.

** Jusqu'à la prochaine fois.**


	12. Playlist

Pour Etre Vrai Playlist

Down The Line by Jose Gonzalez

We're Not Having Any Fun by Lola Ray

Neon Bible by Arcade Fire

The Funeral by Band of Horses

Like A Woman by Bob Dylan

Already Know by Bombay Bicycle Club

How Are You by Bombay Bicycle Club

Gold Mine Gutted by Bright Eyes

Troubled Waters by Cat Power

Between The Bars by Elliott Smith

Undeclared by The Dodos

I'm Not Calling You a Liar by Florence and The Machine

Postcards from Italy by Beirut

Forget Her by Jeff Buckley

Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

Is It Any Wonder? By Keane

Wait by The Kills

Why Are You Looking Grave? by Mew

Yours to Keep by Teddybears

The Denial Twist by The White Stripes

Modern Romance by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Cheated Hearts by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This House by Lola Ray

La Ferrassie by Tokyo Police Club

Wake up by Arcade Fire

Metal Heart by Cat Power

The Funeral by Band of Horses

Postcards from Italy by Beirut

Kid on my Shoulders by White Rabbits

Bring it Together by Born Ruffians

Lisztomania by Phoenix

Avril en Mai by The Apples in Strerio

Young Adult Friction by The Pains of Being Pure At Heart

Keep It Clean by Camera Obscura

**Alright, lovelies. This is the end of the road for this story. Other than those extras I promised to bring to the table, sooner or later. I hope that if you haven't read it yet and our just gathering the playlist that you enjoyed this. And that if you are done with this that you did. Au revoir, mes amis.**


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